Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
A Family Album
I brought my external hardrive to work today and I found all these photo's that my mom asked me to back up for her. Most of them have been scanned so they are not the best quality but they are worth so much to me.
My Dad's parents: Olive and Stanley
My Mom's parents: Alice and Carlos
My Parents and my aunt and uncle
My Dad, Roy
My Mom, Isabel (in the middle- my aunt and uncle or either side)
Me: Yes, I was that chubby!
Rus: he was as naughty as he looked (now taking on the world!)
Ryan: He was quite sick when he was little so he doesn't look as naughty as he was...
Sav: Isn't she beautiful?
My Dad's parents: Olive and Stanley
My Mom's parents: Alice and Carlos
My Parents and my aunt and uncle
My Dad, Roy
My Mom, Isabel (in the middle- my aunt and uncle or either side)
Me: Yes, I was that chubby!
Sav: Isn't she beautiful?
When I was small and Christmas trees were tall...
The wonderful Tash found this and now I may never work again. Did I ever mention that I love "My little Pony"? Well I do. A lot!
This is my new baby. Her name is Sky Dancer. I love her because she makes me happy.
This made me think of other things I liked as a kid.
1.) My own Secret Garden. We lived with my gran till I was 10 in the oldest house in Orange Grove and there were so many hidden places. Seriously, there was a well and a cave type thing. I would get all my dolls together and pretend that I was this magical girl that could speak to fairies. It was fun.
2.) Babies. My first brother was born when I was 3 and I kind of define myself as a 'big sister' - being the mommy always came easy to me. My most favourite doll was one I very imaginatively named "Johnson and Johnson" (because my Cousin did- no, I don't know why she did). I loved him very much. He was also anatomically correct which probably added to the interest. He wasn't fake!
3.) Barbies
4.) My china tea set. My poor grandfather drank so much luke warm sugary water from tiny cups. He was a saint.
Being a kiddie was fun.
This is my new baby. Her name is Sky Dancer. I love her because she makes me happy.
This made me think of other things I liked as a kid.
1.) My own Secret Garden. We lived with my gran till I was 10 in the oldest house in Orange Grove and there were so many hidden places. Seriously, there was a well and a cave type thing. I would get all my dolls together and pretend that I was this magical girl that could speak to fairies. It was fun.
2.) Babies. My first brother was born when I was 3 and I kind of define myself as a 'big sister' - being the mommy always came easy to me. My most favourite doll was one I very imaginatively named "Johnson and Johnson" (because my Cousin did- no, I don't know why she did). I loved him very much. He was also anatomically correct which probably added to the interest. He wasn't fake!
3.) Barbies
4.) My china tea set. My poor grandfather drank so much luke warm sugary water from tiny cups. He was a saint.
Being a kiddie was fun.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Winter fail
I am feeling moany and sick which is not a good frame of mind to blog in. Especially since I am annoyed that I am sick. This past weekend, Brian and I were supposed to go out and celebrate the new job but instead I lay in bed and coughed. I need a new immune system.
In other news: I nearly fell asleep in traffic again. I do this periodically. I once actually bumped into someone. Its really scary actually. And I do get enough sleep so I am not sure what is up with it. Maybe I just need a holiday? Did you ever read the Famous Five? They were always getting sick and then getting to go away to recouperate. Maybe thats what I need.
Mmmm....I think I would choose a place that was warm and pretty and completely free of people. And cheap. I am sure that will be easy to find!
And it must look like this:
In other news: I nearly fell asleep in traffic again. I do this periodically. I once actually bumped into someone. Its really scary actually. And I do get enough sleep so I am not sure what is up with it. Maybe I just need a holiday? Did you ever read the Famous Five? They were always getting sick and then getting to go away to recouperate. Maybe thats what I need.
Mmmm....I think I would choose a place that was warm and pretty and completely free of people. And cheap. I am sure that will be easy to find!
And it must look like this:
How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then to rest afterward. ~Spanish Proverb
Friday, June 24, 2011
Alive
We must learn to be still in the midst of activity and to be vibrantly alive in repose.
Indira Gandhi
Internet addict
We have had no internet this week and I have nearly died. Which I think shows exactly how unproductive I am lately. I must stop it now! Well, actually on Monday because the network guys have made such a mess in my office and I can't tidy it because they are not finished. Eugh!
In other news: I had a puncture on Tuesday which was really annoying. My car is only 3 months old. But I managed to roll into a petrol station and three really sweet attendants changed it for me. Who says chivalry is dead? Its just not always what you expect.
I went to a pub quizz with Helen and P1 and friends on Wednesday which was fun. We had a mascot called "Elvis the Pelvis" and P1 kept making him dance. I realise that I dont know very much general knowledge. I mean its always on the tip of my tongue. Its so annoying.
My sister is watching the Script with her friends tonight. She is so excited. She slept over last night and she has exams today so currently my head is filled with Grade 8 Biology and Script songs. Have you seen how pretty he is? No wonder my sis loves him!
Brian is feeling sick. And he was in a bad mood on skype yesterday but I get that because skype is annoying (or at least the internet connection at home is). So the call wasn't as fun as it usually is. But he is such a sweetheart- he phoned a few hours later to apologise for being grouchy. Isn't that sweet?
I am going to go sign my contract this afternoon. Hmmm. Contracts scare me. Oh well. Also I've just renewed the lease on our place. Its so exciting knowing we are going to be there for another year. I moved around a lot when I was younger so a life long dream is to have one home and stay there!
So anyway, this weekend I am looking forward to relaxing and enjoying myself. The students are away from Monday so there will be plenty of time to catch up on admin and get everything sorted. Its definitely a good friday and good week.
p.s. Did I mention I got a job?
In other news: I had a puncture on Tuesday which was really annoying. My car is only 3 months old. But I managed to roll into a petrol station and three really sweet attendants changed it for me. Who says chivalry is dead? Its just not always what you expect.
I went to a pub quizz with Helen and P1 and friends on Wednesday which was fun. We had a mascot called "Elvis the Pelvis" and P1 kept making him dance. I realise that I dont know very much general knowledge. I mean its always on the tip of my tongue. Its so annoying.
My sister is watching the Script with her friends tonight. She is so excited. She slept over last night and she has exams today so currently my head is filled with Grade 8 Biology and Script songs. Have you seen how pretty he is? No wonder my sis loves him!
Brian is feeling sick. And he was in a bad mood on skype yesterday but I get that because skype is annoying (or at least the internet connection at home is). So the call wasn't as fun as it usually is. But he is such a sweetheart- he phoned a few hours later to apologise for being grouchy. Isn't that sweet?
I am going to go sign my contract this afternoon. Hmmm. Contracts scare me. Oh well. Also I've just renewed the lease on our place. Its so exciting knowing we are going to be there for another year. I moved around a lot when I was younger so a life long dream is to have one home and stay there!
So anyway, this weekend I am looking forward to relaxing and enjoying myself. The students are away from Monday so there will be plenty of time to catch up on admin and get everything sorted. Its definitely a good friday and good week.
p.s. Did I mention I got a job?
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Depression
is awfully cruel. I have been thinking about it a lot today. I am very worried about my friend. I can see her being dragged down; I can see what it has done to her. Its unfair that it is not really acknowledged as a disease. I still think people are uncomfortable about discussing it. Its just such a lonely and painful thing and you need support but at the same time that support can't really help you. I am not feeling sad for myself. I am just thinking of all the millions that feel sad today.
"Pain of mind is worse than pain of body."
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
"I am so excited...I just can't hide it"
I am so excited and happy at the moment. Do you remember when we were little? That feeling the evening of your birthday, when you had eaten too many sweets and felt like the most spoilt and loved girl (or boy) in the world? Everyone had crowded round you and jostled to be your favouite friend. Well thats what I feel like right now. Five years old and all hyped up. So do you want to hear my news? Do you???
I got a job! WooHoo!
From the 1 August 2011 I will be an Environmental officer. I found out today. I went for the interview last Tuesday and I have been feeling so nervous. Like a stretched out elastic band. It was such a big deal for me. The thing is I do have a job and I know that I am lucky but I want to work in the field that I studied in and it felt like it was going to be impossible. Even with 8 years of study and 3 degrees, every advert I looked at wanted at least 2 years experience. And my current job doesn't count. My CV has been sent out hundreds of times and no one even replies. But you know what? It just takes luck! I found this company on the internet and I send a general "I am wonderful -so-hire-me" email and the director saw it and even though there was no position, they interviewed me and have decided to offer me a position.
Its entry level. And a pay cut and more work. But I am so happy. I feel like I am finally starting. I am proud of myself for overcoming my hurdles (even the ones that I created myself) and for moving on. I got this position because I worked for it and there is something so satisfying about getting something that you have worked towards. I know that there are little things I will worry about but tonight I don't want to. I pushing those thoughts away and concentrating on enjoying this feeling.
I feel like Rocky!!! :)
I got a job! WooHoo!
From the 1 August 2011 I will be an Environmental officer. I found out today. I went for the interview last Tuesday and I have been feeling so nervous. Like a stretched out elastic band. It was such a big deal for me. The thing is I do have a job and I know that I am lucky but I want to work in the field that I studied in and it felt like it was going to be impossible. Even with 8 years of study and 3 degrees, every advert I looked at wanted at least 2 years experience. And my current job doesn't count. My CV has been sent out hundreds of times and no one even replies. But you know what? It just takes luck! I found this company on the internet and I send a general "I am wonderful -so-hire-me" email and the director saw it and even though there was no position, they interviewed me and have decided to offer me a position.
Its entry level. And a pay cut and more work. But I am so happy. I feel like I am finally starting. I am proud of myself for overcoming my hurdles (even the ones that I created myself) and for moving on. I got this position because I worked for it and there is something so satisfying about getting something that you have worked towards. I know that there are little things I will worry about but tonight I don't want to. I pushing those thoughts away and concentrating on enjoying this feeling.
I feel like Rocky!!! :)
Something I need to learn
I do not try to dance better than anyone else. I only try to dance better than myself.
– Mikhail Baryshnikov
Monday, June 20, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Fingers crossed
There is no hope unmingled with fear, and no fear unmingled with hope. ~Baruch Spinoza
Friday, June 17, 2011
Isn't this the coolest photo ever???
My sister took this at school on Wednesday (she is the crazy looking one in the middle!)
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Are we de-sensitized?
I love South Africa. I always will: I think that no matter what happens in the future I will always be proud that I lived in a country that overcame so much, where forgiveness was hailed as essential for a new and better future. But with the crimes of the past comes the crime of the present.
Crime:
Most people who read this have been exposed to some sort of crime, your mother, your father, a smash and crab, petty theft, domestic violence. The list goes on.
My family has been pretty lucky when it comes to crime- well, no one has been seriously injured but we have been affected. First when I was 11 and we were in an armed hijacking. We were forced in the house and made to lie down while 6 armed men ramsacked the house and threatened to shoot my grandfather (the only male who was over 9) and rape my mother and aunt. But we were okay. And stuff is only stuff.
10 years later, while getting into the car, we were parked in and held at gun point. Again. This time they didn't want the car (tracking devices etc.) but they took bags, cell phones, jewellery...stuff. We were all fine and stuff is only stuff.
On Tuesday, three armed men entered my parents house and tied up my mother, my grandmother (she is 90) and our domestic worker, Themba who is too ill to work at the moment because she has just had a kidney removed (not that the 30 staples she has in her side stopped them from pushing her around). Once again, everyone was okay. They only took stuff.
But I am tired of thinking this is all okay. Yes, stuff is only stuff but there is something inherently wrong at tying up a 90 year old women or cocking your gun at a 70 year old man or 5 year old child. My sister has technically been the luckiest: she has only dealt with one armed robbery but she has nightmares about people killing me and chasing her around. She can't get out of bed in the dark and she is petrified of car guards (she heard a story of a girl being raped- I don't know if its true or not)
I am annoyed at myself for feeling so de-sentitized about it all. I got my dad's sms on Tuesday and calmly phoned to check everyone was okay. I then moved onto the more important topics: insurance,police etc. The red tape and admin. Its what we do. But it is not right. I should not be so casual about it. They kicked in a kitchen door. I should think of that. My mom was sitting in her kitchen, drinking tea, in her house which should be safe. I should think of that. I should not be so accepting. It is not the way it should be. South Africa should be better than this. All this violence...Do you know a girl was murdered in my complex a few months ago? It wasn't a botched hijacking or anything and my area is very safe but her stalker ex-boyfriend hit her with a knuckleduster and then stabbed her to death and I DIDN'T hear anything! And I was upset for a week or two, sad at the lost of life but I moved on. I stopped thinking of it.
There is just so much violence and entitlement: that man thought he was entitled to her life. In the robberies we have been in, the men have felt they are entitled to take what they want. It feels like its some sort of rot that it is hitting us. Where ethics and people mean nothing. Having what you want is more important (never mind who you took it from). I don't really know what to do about it but I know that just accepting it is wrong. I don't want to leave my country and I don't want to moan about it to people who do not live here either. But for me, I think the first step is to feel. I don't want to become hardened. I think if that happens, then I am lost.
Maybe that is what is stolen in the end...
Crime:
Most people who read this have been exposed to some sort of crime, your mother, your father, a smash and crab, petty theft, domestic violence. The list goes on.
My family has been pretty lucky when it comes to crime- well, no one has been seriously injured but we have been affected. First when I was 11 and we were in an armed hijacking. We were forced in the house and made to lie down while 6 armed men ramsacked the house and threatened to shoot my grandfather (the only male who was over 9) and rape my mother and aunt. But we were okay. And stuff is only stuff.
10 years later, while getting into the car, we were parked in and held at gun point. Again. This time they didn't want the car (tracking devices etc.) but they took bags, cell phones, jewellery...stuff. We were all fine and stuff is only stuff.
On Tuesday, three armed men entered my parents house and tied up my mother, my grandmother (she is 90) and our domestic worker, Themba who is too ill to work at the moment because she has just had a kidney removed (not that the 30 staples she has in her side stopped them from pushing her around). Once again, everyone was okay. They only took stuff.
But I am tired of thinking this is all okay. Yes, stuff is only stuff but there is something inherently wrong at tying up a 90 year old women or cocking your gun at a 70 year old man or 5 year old child. My sister has technically been the luckiest: she has only dealt with one armed robbery but she has nightmares about people killing me and chasing her around. She can't get out of bed in the dark and she is petrified of car guards (she heard a story of a girl being raped- I don't know if its true or not)
I am annoyed at myself for feeling so de-sentitized about it all. I got my dad's sms on Tuesday and calmly phoned to check everyone was okay. I then moved onto the more important topics: insurance,police etc. The red tape and admin. Its what we do. But it is not right. I should not be so casual about it. They kicked in a kitchen door. I should think of that. My mom was sitting in her kitchen, drinking tea, in her house which should be safe. I should think of that. I should not be so accepting. It is not the way it should be. South Africa should be better than this. All this violence...Do you know a girl was murdered in my complex a few months ago? It wasn't a botched hijacking or anything and my area is very safe but her stalker ex-boyfriend hit her with a knuckleduster and then stabbed her to death and I DIDN'T hear anything! And I was upset for a week or two, sad at the lost of life but I moved on. I stopped thinking of it.
There is just so much violence and entitlement: that man thought he was entitled to her life. In the robberies we have been in, the men have felt they are entitled to take what they want. It feels like its some sort of rot that it is hitting us. Where ethics and people mean nothing. Having what you want is more important (never mind who you took it from). I don't really know what to do about it but I know that just accepting it is wrong. I don't want to leave my country and I don't want to moan about it to people who do not live here either. But for me, I think the first step is to feel. I don't want to become hardened. I think if that happens, then I am lost.
Maybe that is what is stolen in the end...
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
All the people that I love
And Brian, of course:
The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together. ~Erma Bombeck
Monday, June 13, 2011
Cos it makes me happy
Because Helen
is so awesome she gave me this and I just had to post it because it makes me happy! Can you imagine being able to tap dance on rollar skates??? I love Gene Kelly!
is so awesome she gave me this and I just had to post it because it makes me happy! Can you imagine being able to tap dance on rollar skates??? I love Gene Kelly!
Twas a good weekend
I am sad to see the weekend go but it really was wonderfully relaxing.
First Brian and I went grocery shopping (which is not very exiting) and then we wondered around Fourways Crossing. We love going into random decor and furniture stores and looking at all the things we wouldn't buy if we didn't have the money. I know, I know. It sounds weird. But there is something very liberating about looking at a gold sofa with diamond buttons (I kid you not) which costs R30 000 and thinking Ha! I wouldn't buy you even if I could.
It is truly awful (well I think it is, anyway)
Watching rugby was very tiring. South African teams are so annoying. I support the Stormers (probably because Brian does- long story about how his dad supported them when he first moved to SA), anyway that didn't make me very happy (I tend to get a bit involved) so we put on Despicable me (which we hired) and it was awesome. Seriously, you have to watch this movie.
For my birthday I would like a minion. They are so adorable. Just shows that I am not grown up at all. Throw in some little yellow goofballs and I am in seventh heaven.
Brian and I are such a 'boring-ass' couple (I mean this in the best possible way). We were discussing the fact that both of us would choose watching a cartoon movie with blanket and the cat than going out. But I love that about us. We are not the type of couple that fights a lot either. I get annoyed (believe me) and I snap but then he just asks me what is wrong. I love that. I am half portuguese and the whole yelling thing gets a bit much. I don't like fights. They scare me. I much prefer saying what upsets me and having someone who will listen. And even admit that he was wrong!
Besides how can I get annoyed with someone who will pose with the cat for me (even if he does complain a bit?) Isn't he cute?
So in non-Brian related news :) I am going to try work harder at work this week. I need to get my non productive ass into gear. How can I expect to find my perfect job if I don't really work at my non perfect job? Its so difficult to get my mind to agree though. It was easier when there was a time limit: "I am only working here till I get my MSc." but now the MSc is in and I have sent out my C.V. a LOT! I will just have to be positive and hope for the best. In the meantime, WORK!
Have an awesome monday, peeps! Here is an inspirational quote to keep you going:
First Brian and I went grocery shopping (which is not very exiting) and then we wondered around Fourways Crossing. We love going into random decor and furniture stores and looking at all the things we wouldn't buy if we didn't have the money. I know, I know. It sounds weird. But there is something very liberating about looking at a gold sofa with diamond buttons (I kid you not) which costs R30 000 and thinking Ha! I wouldn't buy you even if I could.
It is truly awful (well I think it is, anyway)
Watching rugby was very tiring. South African teams are so annoying. I support the Stormers (probably because Brian does- long story about how his dad supported them when he first moved to SA), anyway that didn't make me very happy (I tend to get a bit involved) so we put on Despicable me (which we hired) and it was awesome. Seriously, you have to watch this movie.
For my birthday I would like a minion. They are so adorable. Just shows that I am not grown up at all. Throw in some little yellow goofballs and I am in seventh heaven.
Brian and I are such a 'boring-ass' couple (I mean this in the best possible way). We were discussing the fact that both of us would choose watching a cartoon movie with blanket and the cat than going out. But I love that about us. We are not the type of couple that fights a lot either. I get annoyed (believe me) and I snap but then he just asks me what is wrong. I love that. I am half portuguese and the whole yelling thing gets a bit much. I don't like fights. They scare me. I much prefer saying what upsets me and having someone who will listen. And even admit that he was wrong!
Besides how can I get annoyed with someone who will pose with the cat for me (even if he does complain a bit?) Isn't he cute?
So in non-Brian related news :) I am going to try work harder at work this week. I need to get my non productive ass into gear. How can I expect to find my perfect job if I don't really work at my non perfect job? Its so difficult to get my mind to agree though. It was easier when there was a time limit: "I am only working here till I get my MSc." but now the MSc is in and I have sent out my C.V. a LOT! I will just have to be positive and hope for the best. In the meantime, WORK!
Have an awesome monday, peeps! Here is an inspirational quote to keep you going:
To change one's life: Start immediately. Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions. ~William James
Friday, June 10, 2011
In someone else's shoes
I feel like I am getting sick - silly weather! And after all the vitamins. Sigh.
Anyway that is not what I wanted to talk about. So before I start rambling (who me?) lets get on with it:
Yesterday I went and visited a sick friend during my lunch break. We studied together and she is immensely immensely clever and an over achiever of note. It was back in the days where I would never ever mention I was on anti depressants and I didn't really ask/talk about it with other people. Still I think I felt that she was a kindred soul.
And I was (sadly) right. We lost contact after undergrad and the next time I saw her was in 2009 when I was supposed to be handing my MSc. but had taken an extention because of a mini breakdown. She was also finishing her MA but she had been hopsitalised 3 times that year and diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. You could feel the anxiety on her. She couldn't keep still.
She got a job lecturing at another African university and moved there and she loved it. No hot water or cell phone signal but it was calm and she seemed calm. In the middle of last year she moved back to be with her boyfriend (who then proposed) and things started going down hill. She was in hospital by December and was hospitalised again two weeks ago. Thanfully she is going back to lecture but that does make me worry about her- being so vulnerable and alone.
I worry about her and I care about her but at the same time I don't really know how to deal with her. The smses/phone calls and the mood swings. Sometimes she says I am a good friend, other times I don't put in any effort and it confuses me. I don't always agree with her decisions but I am not really someone that deals well with confrontation so I also don't know how to tell her. Its hurts me that she wants to die and that she has actively tried. I see the scars on her wrists and part of me wants to run away. Not because I am scared of her, not because I don't care but because I want to fix her and I can't.
This made me think of my own experiences: I have never been so sad that I would hurt myself and I don't think that I have ever been as depressed. However, I was depressed and mopey. I know that. I wanted to deal with all the anger I was feeling and so I was a lot more confrontational than usual. In essesence to be depressed is to be stuck in a bubble of your own pain and sadness and that makes you concentrate on you. Well that is how it is with me. I didn't mean to be selfish but I was. It was how I saw the world at that time.
I now wonder about my friends. The ones who said I was too self absorbed, the ones that left me, the ones that I feel betrayed by. And I wonder if they maybe felt like I do? Maybe I am no better. That would be difficult to accept because I have always felt that at least I got the 'moral highground'. They couldn't take it because I was sick. They were wrong and I was right. The victim.
But now, maybe not...maybe no one could've helped me except Brian (and 2 of my university friends). Maybe it was all too much to deal with. I don't know. Were my expectations too high? Was I that difficult to be around? My memories are blurry around the edges. I don't think my behaviour deserved their behavior but I have doubts now. It makes me a little sad because if it wasn't because they were too selfish, then maybe I overreacted. I can see how easy it would be to pull away from my friend in hospital but I choose not to. Does that make me different? I don't know but I won't judge them so harshly now. Depression is difficult to be around. And there are a lot of hard decisions to make as a friend: Do I tell her she shouldn't get married? Do I tell her she drinks too much? Do I check up on her and make sure she sees her doctor? Do I tell her that I am worried about her travelling across Zim with a dog and a kitten in a months time? I am scared that it will make her worse if I tell her. But (and this is my failing) I am scared of what she will say to me if I do.
Anyway that is not what I wanted to talk about. So before I start rambling (who me?) lets get on with it:
Yesterday I went and visited a sick friend during my lunch break. We studied together and she is immensely immensely clever and an over achiever of note. It was back in the days where I would never ever mention I was on anti depressants and I didn't really ask/talk about it with other people. Still I think I felt that she was a kindred soul.
And I was (sadly) right. We lost contact after undergrad and the next time I saw her was in 2009 when I was supposed to be handing my MSc. but had taken an extention because of a mini breakdown. She was also finishing her MA but she had been hopsitalised 3 times that year and diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. You could feel the anxiety on her. She couldn't keep still.
She got a job lecturing at another African university and moved there and she loved it. No hot water or cell phone signal but it was calm and she seemed calm. In the middle of last year she moved back to be with her boyfriend (who then proposed) and things started going down hill. She was in hospital by December and was hospitalised again two weeks ago. Thanfully she is going back to lecture but that does make me worry about her- being so vulnerable and alone.
I worry about her and I care about her but at the same time I don't really know how to deal with her. The smses/phone calls and the mood swings. Sometimes she says I am a good friend, other times I don't put in any effort and it confuses me. I don't always agree with her decisions but I am not really someone that deals well with confrontation so I also don't know how to tell her. Its hurts me that she wants to die and that she has actively tried. I see the scars on her wrists and part of me wants to run away. Not because I am scared of her, not because I don't care but because I want to fix her and I can't.
This made me think of my own experiences: I have never been so sad that I would hurt myself and I don't think that I have ever been as depressed. However, I was depressed and mopey. I know that. I wanted to deal with all the anger I was feeling and so I was a lot more confrontational than usual. In essesence to be depressed is to be stuck in a bubble of your own pain and sadness and that makes you concentrate on you. Well that is how it is with me. I didn't mean to be selfish but I was. It was how I saw the world at that time.
I now wonder about my friends. The ones who said I was too self absorbed, the ones that left me, the ones that I feel betrayed by. And I wonder if they maybe felt like I do? Maybe I am no better. That would be difficult to accept because I have always felt that at least I got the 'moral highground'. They couldn't take it because I was sick. They were wrong and I was right. The victim.
But now, maybe not...maybe no one could've helped me except Brian (and 2 of my university friends). Maybe it was all too much to deal with. I don't know. Were my expectations too high? Was I that difficult to be around? My memories are blurry around the edges. I don't think my behaviour deserved their behavior but I have doubts now. It makes me a little sad because if it wasn't because they were too selfish, then maybe I overreacted. I can see how easy it would be to pull away from my friend in hospital but I choose not to. Does that make me different? I don't know but I won't judge them so harshly now. Depression is difficult to be around. And there are a lot of hard decisions to make as a friend: Do I tell her she shouldn't get married? Do I tell her she drinks too much? Do I check up on her and make sure she sees her doctor? Do I tell her that I am worried about her travelling across Zim with a dog and a kitten in a months time? I am scared that it will make her worse if I tell her. But (and this is my failing) I am scared of what she will say to me if I do.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Ooh, my heart is all a flutter
Do you know why? Of course not. I haven't told you yet. But I will.
So inside this 26 year old is a little girl looking for validation and acceptance. I think, to tell the truth,that we all are. Friendships have definied my life (not always in a good way). I have memories of wondering around Wildernes National Park at age 6, asking kids to "be my friend" (yes, I actually asked) and I have mentioned the issues I had with my old friends. So it always kind of surprises me when people like what I say or write or do.
Mainly when it comes from people who I admire (to be frank, the blogs I read are awesome!)
So you can imagine how excited I was when Nicci nominated me for two awards. And on top of that, Tash said that she "really liked" my blog. I am in seventh heaven.
I am besides myself with excitement (seriously considering phoning Brian to tell him how awesome I am). Or yelling it from the rooftops. I think I will settle for a glass of wine and dancing madly to the sound track of Mamma Mia.
Sheesh, I ramble.
Back to the award (I did mention that I got one, right?)
Drum roll...
Yay)
Now for the fun part
1.) I have to choose five other people who deserve it and pass the awards along
2.) Regale you all with seven random facts (yes, I know I just gave you five yesterday but I didn't think I would get an award, now did I?)
3.) Let the people that you give the awards to know
4.) Thank the person who gave you the award
I can do this.
I must confess that I am slightly addicted to blogs. I come to work and eagerly check blogs to see if they have been updated. I am frequently moved to tears and/or laughter and I feel so much more ummm...normal. I think its good to know that you are not the only person that feels sad/scared/alone/happy/weird etc. You guys all make my life so much more interesting. Thank you.
So the blogs I am giving the awards to are:
Bonding over lizards: Helen is one of the reasons I started blogging and although we talk about a lot of stuff in person I just love the way she takes on life.
Remember when: Fiona is just so fun! And her kiddies are so cute :)
Spacebook: This blog makes me cry and it is one of the most heart wrenching things I have ever read. Caz is just so brave and amazing.
Sleepyjane: Because I love the polaroids of her dogs and I really relate to a lot of her posts.
The nomad's land: I love Sarah! I just do. :) But she doesn't really add awards to her blog so I am nominating someone else (Nicci said "or more")
Doodles or a Journo: Tamara is so cool and works in her slippers which is a life long dream of mine!
So now for the facts:
1.) My feet are always cold. I hate winter because of it.
2.) I haven't done the dishes this week (I plan to do them when I get home today). I have just been so tired. It still is yucky though.
3.) I compose blog posts in my head while I drive home but then I forget most of it and post whatever inane thing is in my head.
4.) My boyfriend's mother is my boss. I know it sounds bad but really I am pretty overqualified for my job so it wasn't nepotism. But she does bring me muffins to work which is really nice.
5.) I never dream in colour (although I hardly ever remember my dreams)
6.) I once got kicked by a shetland pony and had a horseshoe shaped bruise. My friends thought it was hilarious. I didn't.
7.) I went to my matric dance with the son of my mom's friend who I hadn't seen since I was 6. Yes, it was sad. It was more sad that he wore leather pants to the afterparty and refused to dance!
So lastly, the thank you!
Dear Nicci. You rock. Thank you! :)
So inside this 26 year old is a little girl looking for validation and acceptance. I think, to tell the truth,that we all are. Friendships have definied my life (not always in a good way). I have memories of wondering around Wildernes National Park at age 6, asking kids to "be my friend" (yes, I actually asked) and I have mentioned the issues I had with my old friends. So it always kind of surprises me when people like what I say or write or do.
Mainly when it comes from people who I admire (to be frank, the blogs I read are awesome!)
So you can imagine how excited I was when Nicci nominated me for two awards. And on top of that, Tash said that she "really liked" my blog. I am in seventh heaven.
I am besides myself with excitement (seriously considering phoning Brian to tell him how awesome I am). Or yelling it from the rooftops. I think I will settle for a glass of wine and dancing madly to the sound track of Mamma Mia.
Sheesh, I ramble.
Back to the award (I did mention that I got one, right?)
Drum roll...
Yay)
Now for the fun part
1.) I have to choose five other people who deserve it and pass the awards along
2.) Regale you all with seven random facts (yes, I know I just gave you five yesterday but I didn't think I would get an award, now did I?)
3.) Let the people that you give the awards to know
4.) Thank the person who gave you the award
I can do this.
I must confess that I am slightly addicted to blogs. I come to work and eagerly check blogs to see if they have been updated. I am frequently moved to tears and/or laughter and I feel so much more ummm...normal. I think its good to know that you are not the only person that feels sad/scared/alone/happy/weird etc. You guys all make my life so much more interesting. Thank you.
So the blogs I am giving the awards to are:
Bonding over lizards: Helen is one of the reasons I started blogging and although we talk about a lot of stuff in person I just love the way she takes on life.
Remember when: Fiona is just so fun! And her kiddies are so cute :)
Spacebook: This blog makes me cry and it is one of the most heart wrenching things I have ever read. Caz is just so brave and amazing.
Sleepyjane: Because I love the polaroids of her dogs and I really relate to a lot of her posts.
The nomad's land: I love Sarah! I just do. :) But she doesn't really add awards to her blog so I am nominating someone else (Nicci said "or more")
Doodles or a Journo: Tamara is so cool and works in her slippers which is a life long dream of mine!
So now for the facts:
1.) My feet are always cold. I hate winter because of it.
2.) I haven't done the dishes this week (I plan to do them when I get home today). I have just been so tired. It still is yucky though.
3.) I compose blog posts in my head while I drive home but then I forget most of it and post whatever inane thing is in my head.
4.) My boyfriend's mother is my boss. I know it sounds bad but really I am pretty overqualified for my job so it wasn't nepotism. But she does bring me muffins to work which is really nice.
5.) I never dream in colour (although I hardly ever remember my dreams)
6.) I once got kicked by a shetland pony and had a horseshoe shaped bruise. My friends thought it was hilarious. I didn't.
7.) I went to my matric dance with the son of my mom's friend who I hadn't seen since I was 6. Yes, it was sad. It was more sad that he wore leather pants to the afterparty and refused to dance!
So lastly, the thank you!
Dear Nicci. You rock. Thank you! :)
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Random facts
Here's a random fact about me:
.1) I absolutely love singing along to songs but sadly I NEVER know the right words. So I make up my own. And then embarrass myself in front of people I don't know. Hmmm.
2.) My boyfriend says I have weird feet because they are really bony. I usually throw something at him when he says things like that. He just laughs because I usually miss.
3.) I have disclocated my knee over 30 times. The one time I was at Billy the bums and I twisted around and disclocated it- the problem being that I reached out to grab something and the only thing around was the strange dude's ass. So I grabbed it. And he looked at me like I was a (drunken) freak and walked away (quickly). Which was not very nice seeing I was not drunk and actually did need someone to help me up.
4.) I am a day dreamer. I make up these elaborate stories in my head. I once hooked up with someone, imagined the whole relationship, the break up and my intense sadness at breaking up all while walking home from school. The funny part- I was 15 and I was thinking of Prince William. No one can accuse me of a lack of imagination.
5.) The first time I went to a club I was 17 (gasp). I went to 'The Doors' in Edenvale (because they didn't check IDs) to watch Tweak (remember them?) and Perez. Yip, Tweak played at 'The Doors'. It was so much fun.
So tell me something random about you? You know you want to :)
.1) I absolutely love singing along to songs but sadly I NEVER know the right words. So I make up my own. And then embarrass myself in front of people I don't know. Hmmm.
2.) My boyfriend says I have weird feet because they are really bony. I usually throw something at him when he says things like that. He just laughs because I usually miss.
3.) I have disclocated my knee over 30 times. The one time I was at Billy the bums and I twisted around and disclocated it- the problem being that I reached out to grab something and the only thing around was the strange dude's ass. So I grabbed it. And he looked at me like I was a (drunken) freak and walked away (quickly). Which was not very nice seeing I was not drunk and actually did need someone to help me up.
4.) I am a day dreamer. I make up these elaborate stories in my head. I once hooked up with someone, imagined the whole relationship, the break up and my intense sadness at breaking up all while walking home from school. The funny part- I was 15 and I was thinking of Prince William. No one can accuse me of a lack of imagination.
5.) The first time I went to a club I was 17 (gasp). I went to 'The Doors' in Edenvale (because they didn't check IDs) to watch Tweak (remember them?) and Perez. Yip, Tweak played at 'The Doors'. It was so much fun.
So tell me something random about you? You know you want to :)
Earth Wind and Rain (not fire)
I slept better last night than I have for awhile. I think it was a combination of a warm bed and listening to the wind howl outside. And then the rain too. There is something very beautiful about the sound of rain...I feel like the rain has cleared away some of the cobwebs in my head. I feel energised and positive. I like this me.
I love this painting by Jennifer Young although I am not sure if it has very much to do with 'windflung deadwood". It makes me feel though. I think that is what art is supposed to do, right?
Let the rain kiss you. Let the rain beat upon your head with silver liquid drops. Let the rain sing you a lullaby. ~Langston Hughes
Spooky wild and gusty; swirling dervishes of rattling leaves race by, fleeing the windflung deadwood that cracks and thumps behind. ~Dave Beard
I love this painting by Jennifer Young although I am not sure if it has very much to do with 'windflung deadwood". It makes me feel though. I think that is what art is supposed to do, right?
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Wish I was there...
All I want is to stand in a field
and to smell green,
to taste air,
to feel the earth want me,
Without all this concrete
hating me.
~Phillip Pulfrey, from Love, Abstraction and other Speculations
Monday, June 6, 2011
Some good, Some bad...
Parts of this weekend were awesome. Most of it actually. Went to Watch Superstar at Monte Casino which was great. I love the theatre and I love Andrew Lloyd Webber. I went my boy and his mom, dad and sis and my sis and we all went out for dinner afterwards. Was really a lovely evening.
Later watched Notting Hill with my sister while cuddling up on the couch. And the next day was all about relaxing. Brian (my boy) and I watched four episodes of Supernatural (Wow, I love that show). SleepyJane you were so right. The fairies episode rocked! Haha (Fight those fairies!)
So what made it bad - the usual, for me - my parents! I know a lot of the blogs I read is about the highs and lows of being a mother and I do understand that most parents are just people who are trying their best. That said. I would like to say a few things to my parents (who do not read this and to all parents that may do). Its an open letter of sorts and I do not mean to offend. So please don't be offended.
Later watched Notting Hill with my sister while cuddling up on the couch. And the next day was all about relaxing. Brian (my boy) and I watched four episodes of Supernatural (Wow, I love that show). SleepyJane you were so right. The fairies episode rocked! Haha (Fight those fairies!)
So what made it bad - the usual, for me - my parents! I know a lot of the blogs I read is about the highs and lows of being a mother and I do understand that most parents are just people who are trying their best. That said. I would like to say a few things to my parents (who do not read this and to all parents that may do). Its an open letter of sorts and I do not mean to offend. So please don't be offended.
An open letter
Dear Parents,
Your children love you but a lot of what you do can really make things difficult. I am not going to spend my life being sad or depressed because of the things you do because I am BETTER than that. But I am allowed to get angry. And I am angry now. I don't know if I will ever not be angry.
I would like to tell you a few things so that maybe you can learn. Or remember. What it feels like to be a son or daughter caught in the middle of your stupid decisions. So...
All your actions will affect your children. They are always your responsibility and it doesn't matter how old or how young they are, you have to take them into account. I understand that everyone deserves to be happy and you need to make the best decision for yourself but because you are a mom/dad, the best decision will HAVE to take into account what is best for your children too. I know, it sucks. But it was your decision to have a child (or if it was not a decision - what the f%#k where you thinking?) Here's a list:
1.) Do not stay married for a child - believe me, we know that it is not working and you just hurt all of us
2.) Do not use us as an excuse for things that you have not done. If you want to go back to work, take a cruise - whatever - JUST DO IT! If we are little, we may cry but if you sigh longingly for other times, when we are older we will be stuck with the guilt or ruining your life. Yes, that is the way we think of it. So just live your f%#king life!
3.) Do not cheat. As I said, get a divorce if you want. But if you lie and cheat on our father/mother, you are also lying to us. You will provide us with a wonderful cynicism and all our decisions and fears will be based on the fear that people cheat and lie.
4.) Don't think you can hide if you do cheat. We are not stupid.
5.) Please do not get us involved in your fights. We are not mediators or judges. Your child does not want to 'make daddy feel better' or tell you 'you were definitely right'. I know you are not a superhero or a saint, So yes, you will fight but try leave us out of it.
6.) One day your children will grow up and they will go out/have boyfriends/girlfriends/move out/get married and no, this is not a betrayal. They are not abandoning you and yes, I know its hard. But imagine how difficult it is to feel guilty for enjoying life.
7.) We have good memories. Yes, even when we are small, we remember fights. We remember outdoor chairs being thrown in the pool. We remember that you told us you wanted to die. We remember trying to fix things by making dinner/making you laugh/making sure our siblings were okay. And we will always feel like fixing things. And in life not all things can be fixed. So we will always feel guilty for not being able to fix things. So please watch what you say.
8.) Therapists are good. If you are throwing things around. Go talk to someone. Get some help. If you are so scared of being abandoned that you cannot do anything, go see someone. Be proactive.
9.) Children are not therapists. We don't want to get involved. We don't want to lie for you and although we do want to make you happy, we cant make you feel better. Please don't ask us to. All you are doing is setting us up for failure. And it feels bad.
10.) Please do things with our father/mother. Go out for dinner. Go on holidays. Yes, we are important but your relationship is also important and one day we will understand that. We will miss you and cry but one day we will grow up and then you will have nothing.
11.) Please make friends. With Grown Ups. We are not your friends. We love you but we should not know about your sex life/issues/marital problems. And we need parents more than we need friends. One day we will grow up and then you will constantly talk about how you miss us. Even when we see you lots. And that will drive us away. And it will makes us feel a bit unloved too. Because I know that you wish that I was 3 yrs old again. I know because you tell me. And that makes me think there is something wrong with me now.
12.) When we do get older, our relationship will change and we will be able to talk to you about things. Don't tell us everything but don't keep us in the dark either. If there is no electricity then we are smart enough to know there is financial problems. Don't pretend that we are not affected. Tell us what you are doing...otherwise we will think you are doing nothing.
13.) Use a condom. If you don't have the money to have more children then don't. If your relationship is not working then having a child is a bad idea. There are ways to prevent having children. Use them.
14.) Do not expect us to forgive everything because you love us. Sometimes love is not enough. One day you will push things too far and then I won't want to see you. And it doesn't matter that you raised me or looked after me. One day, I won't care.
I suppose I sound very mean or patronising. And I want to make something very clear. I am not judging every parent. I am not a parent. I don't know what it is like. But I am a daughter and a big sister and I know what that is like. I won't blame my parents for everything that goes wrong. No, I am seeing a therapist and I am trying to deal with my issues. And they are MY issues to fix. I am not a victim. But for 26 years I have watched and I can see what is happening. It is like watching a train wreck and having no power to stop it.
I wish I could say these things out loud but I can't because then I will cause I fight and that will upset my brother and my sister. It will upset everyone so I will continue to be a good daughter until one day I can't. I thought I always wanted children (too much maternal instinct, my friends used to say) but I don't think I will. I am too scared of all the mistakes I will make, all the responsibilty. I have had to tell my sister so many awful things. I have deal with the fact that I have made bad decisions and that I can't fix it. But I am adult enough to realise that.
The sad thing is having a child, doesn't make you an adult.
Your children love you but a lot of what you do can really make things difficult. I am not going to spend my life being sad or depressed because of the things you do because I am BETTER than that. But I am allowed to get angry. And I am angry now. I don't know if I will ever not be angry.
I would like to tell you a few things so that maybe you can learn. Or remember. What it feels like to be a son or daughter caught in the middle of your stupid decisions. So...
All your actions will affect your children. They are always your responsibility and it doesn't matter how old or how young they are, you have to take them into account. I understand that everyone deserves to be happy and you need to make the best decision for yourself but because you are a mom/dad, the best decision will HAVE to take into account what is best for your children too. I know, it sucks. But it was your decision to have a child (or if it was not a decision - what the f%#k where you thinking?) Here's a list:
1.) Do not stay married for a child - believe me, we know that it is not working and you just hurt all of us
2.) Do not use us as an excuse for things that you have not done. If you want to go back to work, take a cruise - whatever - JUST DO IT! If we are little, we may cry but if you sigh longingly for other times, when we are older we will be stuck with the guilt or ruining your life. Yes, that is the way we think of it. So just live your f%#king life!
3.) Do not cheat. As I said, get a divorce if you want. But if you lie and cheat on our father/mother, you are also lying to us. You will provide us with a wonderful cynicism and all our decisions and fears will be based on the fear that people cheat and lie.
4.) Don't think you can hide if you do cheat. We are not stupid.
5.) Please do not get us involved in your fights. We are not mediators or judges. Your child does not want to 'make daddy feel better' or tell you 'you were definitely right'. I know you are not a superhero or a saint, So yes, you will fight but try leave us out of it.
6.) One day your children will grow up and they will go out/have boyfriends/girlfriends/move out/get married and no, this is not a betrayal. They are not abandoning you and yes, I know its hard. But imagine how difficult it is to feel guilty for enjoying life.
7.) We have good memories. Yes, even when we are small, we remember fights. We remember outdoor chairs being thrown in the pool. We remember that you told us you wanted to die. We remember trying to fix things by making dinner/making you laugh/making sure our siblings were okay. And we will always feel like fixing things. And in life not all things can be fixed. So we will always feel guilty for not being able to fix things. So please watch what you say.
8.) Therapists are good. If you are throwing things around. Go talk to someone. Get some help. If you are so scared of being abandoned that you cannot do anything, go see someone. Be proactive.
9.) Children are not therapists. We don't want to get involved. We don't want to lie for you and although we do want to make you happy, we cant make you feel better. Please don't ask us to. All you are doing is setting us up for failure. And it feels bad.
10.) Please do things with our father/mother. Go out for dinner. Go on holidays. Yes, we are important but your relationship is also important and one day we will understand that. We will miss you and cry but one day we will grow up and then you will have nothing.
11.) Please make friends. With Grown Ups. We are not your friends. We love you but we should not know about your sex life/issues/marital problems. And we need parents more than we need friends. One day we will grow up and then you will constantly talk about how you miss us. Even when we see you lots. And that will drive us away. And it will makes us feel a bit unloved too. Because I know that you wish that I was 3 yrs old again. I know because you tell me. And that makes me think there is something wrong with me now.
12.) When we do get older, our relationship will change and we will be able to talk to you about things. Don't tell us everything but don't keep us in the dark either. If there is no electricity then we are smart enough to know there is financial problems. Don't pretend that we are not affected. Tell us what you are doing...otherwise we will think you are doing nothing.
13.) Use a condom. If you don't have the money to have more children then don't. If your relationship is not working then having a child is a bad idea. There are ways to prevent having children. Use them.
14.) Do not expect us to forgive everything because you love us. Sometimes love is not enough. One day you will push things too far and then I won't want to see you. And it doesn't matter that you raised me or looked after me. One day, I won't care.
I suppose I sound very mean or patronising. And I want to make something very clear. I am not judging every parent. I am not a parent. I don't know what it is like. But I am a daughter and a big sister and I know what that is like. I won't blame my parents for everything that goes wrong. No, I am seeing a therapist and I am trying to deal with my issues. And they are MY issues to fix. I am not a victim. But for 26 years I have watched and I can see what is happening. It is like watching a train wreck and having no power to stop it.
I wish I could say these things out loud but I can't because then I will cause I fight and that will upset my brother and my sister. It will upset everyone so I will continue to be a good daughter until one day I can't. I thought I always wanted children (too much maternal instinct, my friends used to say) but I don't think I will. I am too scared of all the mistakes I will make, all the responsibilty. I have had to tell my sister so many awful things. I have deal with the fact that I have made bad decisions and that I can't fix it. But I am adult enough to realise that.
The sad thing is having a child, doesn't make you an adult.
Friday, June 3, 2011
ENOUGH!
"Contemplation often makes life miserable. We should act more, think less, and stop watching ourselves live.”(French playwright, 1741-1794
-Chamfort
Love this quote from Being Brazen
Lost
Some days are worse than others for reasons I don't understand. I want to turn a switch and be all'chipper'. I want to choose to be happy. But I feel every little responsibility (even washing the dishes) - they all weigh me down and I want to run away. This post is not very "polyanna". I really don't care.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
This week I have...
1.) Been more productive at work. I have a to-do list that is actually shrinking and it makes me happy!
2.) Been a mom (kinda): I am not a mother (technically) but I do have three younger siblings. My sister, Savanah, is the youngest and sometimes I feel like a mom with her. There is a lot of things happening with my parents etc. so I try and make sure my sister comes to stay over at least once a week. So this week, I rushed from work to watch her sing "liefling" at her Afrikaans evening, took her home, fed her and rushed her to bed. When we work up the next morning she was feeling sick. So I got her so medicine, tucked her into bed with a list of instructions about keeping safe. I then rushed off to work. At work, I phoned to check a few times then rushed home, cooked dinner and watched T.V with her. This morning it was a battle to get her up. But once she was up, I took her back home because she needs to see a doctor. After work today, I will pick her up so she can come sleep over again. I love my sister absolutely but I am a bit tired.
3.) Applied for 7 jobs at a government department. I would love to get an environmental job and I know I can do these jobs. But I feel so defeated sometimes. I have worked so hard and all they are going to see is my lack of experience in the right field. Starting out is hard to do.
4.) Been very very cold. I think I have bad circulation. I can hardly feel my toes.
5.) Booked tickets for Jesus Christ SuperStar! I am so excited. I love the theatre and Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Note: This photo was taken 5 years ago - I am no longer so thin :( and Sav is a 14!
2.) Been a mom (kinda): I am not a mother (technically) but I do have three younger siblings. My sister, Savanah, is the youngest and sometimes I feel like a mom with her. There is a lot of things happening with my parents etc. so I try and make sure my sister comes to stay over at least once a week. So this week, I rushed from work to watch her sing "liefling" at her Afrikaans evening, took her home, fed her and rushed her to bed. When we work up the next morning she was feeling sick. So I got her so medicine, tucked her into bed with a list of instructions about keeping safe. I then rushed off to work. At work, I phoned to check a few times then rushed home, cooked dinner and watched T.V with her. This morning it was a battle to get her up. But once she was up, I took her back home because she needs to see a doctor. After work today, I will pick her up so she can come sleep over again. I love my sister absolutely but I am a bit tired.
3.) Applied for 7 jobs at a government department. I would love to get an environmental job and I know I can do these jobs. But I feel so defeated sometimes. I have worked so hard and all they are going to see is my lack of experience in the right field. Starting out is hard to do.
4.) Been very very cold. I think I have bad circulation. I can hardly feel my toes.
5.) Booked tickets for Jesus Christ SuperStar! I am so excited. I love the theatre and Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Note: This photo was taken 5 years ago - I am no longer so thin :( and Sav is a 14!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Introspection
I confuse myself...
I don't know what I think, why I do what I do, I don't know my own opinion a lot of the time and I feel guilty for even having an opinion when I do. Why is that? I 'know' things rationally but I can't translate that into really knowing something. I am envious of people who are sure of themselves. Who know what they want and feel that it okay to go for it. I think that I often make decisions on what I feel people think I should do.
Does that sound confusing? Well it is. If I am asked what show I want to watch, I don't think about the show I want to watch. No, I think about what show the other person would like to watch, then I think about whether I want to watch it and if I don't I just go with it anyway. I have to force myself to think about what show I want to watch. And that is with everything. Do I want a glass of wine? Do I want to watch a movie? Do I want to go out or stay in? Do I???
I have been hiding myself for so long and now that I am trying to find out what I want, I find that it is difficult. As a result I am often anxious, worried. I grind my teeth, I pick at my nails. Maybe I need to be more brave. Maybe I am making progress and I just have to be patient. Maybe I am selfish? Maybe I think to much? Maybe everyone else thinks about this stuff too? I just don't know.
I confuse myself...
I don't know what I think, why I do what I do, I don't know my own opinion a lot of the time and I feel guilty for even having an opinion when I do. Why is that? I 'know' things rationally but I can't translate that into really knowing something. I am envious of people who are sure of themselves. Who know what they want and feel that it okay to go for it. I think that I often make decisions on what I feel people think I should do.
Does that sound confusing? Well it is. If I am asked what show I want to watch, I don't think about the show I want to watch. No, I think about what show the other person would like to watch, then I think about whether I want to watch it and if I don't I just go with it anyway. I have to force myself to think about what show I want to watch. And that is with everything. Do I want a glass of wine? Do I want to watch a movie? Do I want to go out or stay in? Do I???
I have been hiding myself for so long and now that I am trying to find out what I want, I find that it is difficult. As a result I am often anxious, worried. I grind my teeth, I pick at my nails. Maybe I need to be more brave. Maybe I am making progress and I just have to be patient. Maybe I am selfish? Maybe I think to much? Maybe everyone else thinks about this stuff too? I just don't know.
I confuse myself...
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