Are we de-sensitized?

I love South Africa. I always will: I think that no matter what happens in the future I will always be proud that I lived in a country that overcame so much, where forgiveness was hailed as essential for a new and better future. But with the crimes of the past comes the crime of the present.

Crime:

Most people who read this have been exposed to some sort of crime, your mother, your father, a smash and crab, petty theft, domestic violence. The list goes on.

My family has been pretty lucky when it comes to crime- well, no one has been seriously injured but we have been affected. First when I was 11 and we were in an armed hijacking. We were forced in the house and made to lie down while 6 armed men ramsacked the house and threatened to shoot my grandfather (the only male who was over 9) and rape my mother and aunt. But we were okay. And stuff is only stuff.

10 years later, while getting into the car, we were parked in and held at gun point. Again. This time they didn't want the car (tracking devices etc.) but they took bags, cell phones, jewellery...stuff. We were all fine and stuff is only stuff.

On Tuesday, three armed men entered my parents house and tied up my mother, my grandmother (she is 90) and our domestic worker, Themba who is too ill to work at the moment because she has just had a kidney removed (not that the 30 staples she has in her side stopped them from pushing her around). Once again, everyone was okay. They only took stuff.

But I am tired of thinking this is all okay. Yes, stuff is only stuff but there is something inherently wrong at tying up a 90 year old women or cocking your gun at a 70 year old man or 5 year old child. My sister has technically been the luckiest: she has only dealt with one armed robbery but she has nightmares about people killing me and chasing her around. She can't get out of bed in the dark and she is petrified of car guards (she heard a story of a girl being raped- I don't know if its true or not)

I am annoyed at myself for feeling so de-sentitized about it all. I got my dad's sms on Tuesday and calmly phoned to check everyone was okay. I then moved onto the more important topics: insurance,police etc. The red tape and admin. Its what we do. But it is not right. I should not be so casual about it. They kicked in a kitchen door. I should think of that. My mom was sitting in her kitchen, drinking tea, in her house which should be safe. I should think of that. I should not be so accepting. It is not the way it should be. South Africa should be better than this. All this violence...Do you know a girl was murdered in my complex a few months ago? It wasn't a botched hijacking or anything and my area is very safe but her stalker ex-boyfriend hit her with a knuckleduster and then stabbed her to death and I DIDN'T hear anything! And I was upset for a week or two, sad at the lost of life but I moved on. I stopped thinking of it.

There is just so much violence and entitlement: that man thought he was entitled to her life. In the robberies we have been in, the men have felt they are entitled to take what they want. It feels like its some sort of rot that it is hitting us. Where ethics and people mean nothing. Having what you want is more important (never mind who you took it from). I don't really know what to do about it but I know that just accepting it is wrong. I don't want to leave my country and I don't want to moan about it to people who do not live here either. But for me, I think the first step is to feel. I don't want to become hardened. I think if that happens, then I am lost.

Maybe that is what is stolen in the end...