An open letter

Dear Parents,

Your children love you but a lot of what you do can really make things difficult. I am not going to spend my life being sad or depressed because of the things you do because I am BETTER than that. But I am allowed to get angry. And I am angry now. I don't know if I will ever not be angry.

I would like to tell you a few things so that maybe you can learn. Or remember. What it feels like to be a son or daughter caught in the middle of your stupid decisions. So...

All your actions will affect your children. They are always your responsibility and it doesn't matter how old or how young they are, you have to take them into account. I understand that everyone deserves to be happy and you need to make the best decision for yourself but because you are a mom/dad, the best decision will HAVE to take into account what is best for your children too. I know, it sucks. But it was your decision to have a child (or if it was not a decision - what the f%#k where you thinking?) Here's a list:

1.) Do not stay married for a child - believe me, we know that it is not working and you just hurt all of us

2.) Do not use us as an excuse for things that you have not done. If you want to go back to work, take a cruise - whatever - JUST DO IT! If we are little, we may cry but if you sigh longingly for other times, when we are older we will be stuck with the guilt or ruining your life. Yes, that is the way we think of it. So just live your f%#king life!

3.) Do not cheat. As I said, get a divorce if you want. But if you lie and cheat on our father/mother, you are also lying to us. You will provide us with a wonderful cynicism and all our decisions and fears will be based on the fear that people cheat and lie.

4.) Don't think you can hide if you do cheat. We are not stupid.

5.) Please do not get us involved in your fights. We are not mediators or judges. Your child does not want to 'make daddy feel better' or tell you 'you were definitely right'. I know you are not a superhero or a saint, So yes, you will fight but try leave us out of it.

6.) One day your children will grow up and they will go out/have boyfriends/girlfriends/move out/get married and no, this is not a betrayal. They are not abandoning you and yes, I know its hard. But imagine how difficult it is to feel guilty for enjoying life.

7.) We have good memories. Yes, even when we are small, we remember fights. We remember outdoor chairs being thrown in the pool. We remember that you told us you wanted to die. We remember trying to fix things by making dinner/making you laugh/making sure our siblings were okay. And we will always feel like fixing things. And in life not all things can be fixed. So we will always feel guilty for not being able to fix things. So please watch what you say.

8.) Therapists are good. If you are throwing things around. Go talk to someone. Get some help. If you are so scared of being abandoned that you cannot do anything, go see someone. Be proactive.

9.) Children are not therapists. We don't want to get involved. We don't want to lie for you and although we do want to make you happy, we cant make you feel better. Please don't ask us to. All you are doing is setting us up for failure. And it feels bad.

10.) Please do things with our father/mother. Go out for dinner. Go on holidays. Yes, we are important but your relationship is also important and one day we will understand that. We will miss you and cry but one day we will grow up and then you will have nothing.

11.) Please make friends. With Grown Ups. We are not your friends. We love you but we should not know about your sex life/issues/marital problems. And we need parents more than we need friends. One day we will grow up and then you will constantly talk about how you miss us. Even when we see you lots. And that will drive us away. And it will makes us feel a bit unloved too. Because I know that you wish that I was 3 yrs old again. I know because you tell me. And that makes me think there is something wrong with me now.

12.) When we do get older, our relationship will change and we will be able to talk to you about things. Don't tell us everything but don't keep us in the dark either. If there is no electricity then we are smart enough to know there is financial problems. Don't pretend that we are not affected. Tell us what you are doing...otherwise we will think you are doing nothing.

13.) Use a condom. If you don't have the money to have more children then don't. If your relationship is not working then having a child is a bad idea. There are ways to prevent having children. Use them.

14.) Do not expect us to forgive everything because you love us. Sometimes love is not enough. One day you will push things too far and then I won't want to see you. And it doesn't matter that you raised me or looked after me. One day, I won't care.

I suppose I sound very mean or patronising. And I want to make something very clear. I am not judging every parent. I am not a parent. I don't know what it is like. But I am a daughter and a big sister and I know what that is like. I won't blame my parents for everything that goes wrong. No, I am seeing a therapist and I am trying to deal with my issues. And they are MY issues to fix. I am not a victim. But for 26 years I have watched and I can see what is happening. It is like watching a train wreck and having no power to stop it.

I wish I could say these things out loud but I can't because then I will cause I fight and that will upset my brother and my sister. It will upset everyone so I will continue to be a good daughter until one day I can't. I thought I always wanted children (too much maternal instinct, my friends used to say) but I don't think I will. I am too scared of all the mistakes I will make, all the responsibilty. I have had to tell my sister so many awful things. I have deal with the fact that I have made bad decisions and that I can't fix it. But I am adult enough to realise that.

The sad thing is having a child, doesn't make you an adult.