I feel like I am getting sick - silly weather! And after all the vitamins. Sigh.
Anyway that is not what I wanted to talk about. So before I start rambling (who me?) lets get on with it:
Yesterday I went and visited a sick friend during my lunch break. We studied together and she is immensely immensely clever and an over achiever of note. It was back in the days where I would never ever mention I was on anti depressants and I didn't really ask/talk about it with other people. Still I think I felt that she was a kindred soul.
And I was (sadly) right. We lost contact after undergrad and the next time I saw her was in 2009 when I was supposed to be handing my MSc. but had taken an extention because of a mini breakdown. She was also finishing her MA but she had been hopsitalised 3 times that year and diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. You could feel the anxiety on her. She couldn't keep still.
She got a job lecturing at another African university and moved there and she loved it. No hot water or cell phone signal but it was calm and she seemed calm. In the middle of last year she moved back to be with her boyfriend (who then proposed) and things started going down hill. She was in hospital by December and was hospitalised again two weeks ago. Thanfully she is going back to lecture but that does make me worry about her- being so vulnerable and alone.
I worry about her and I care about her but at the same time I don't really know how to deal with her. The smses/phone calls and the mood swings. Sometimes she says I am a good friend, other times I don't put in any effort and it confuses me. I don't always agree with her decisions but I am not really someone that deals well with confrontation so I also don't know how to tell her. Its hurts me that she wants to die and that she has actively tried. I see the scars on her wrists and part of me wants to run away. Not because I am scared of her, not because I don't care but because I want to fix her and I can't.
This made me think of my own experiences: I have never been so sad that I would hurt myself and I don't think that I have ever been as depressed. However, I was depressed and mopey. I know that. I wanted to deal with all the anger I was feeling and so I was a lot more confrontational than usual. In essesence to be depressed is to be stuck in a bubble of your own pain and sadness and that makes you concentrate on you. Well that is how it is with me. I didn't mean to be selfish but I was. It was how I saw the world at that time.
I now wonder about my friends. The ones who said I was too self absorbed, the ones that left me, the ones that I feel betrayed by. And I wonder if they maybe felt like I do? Maybe I am no better. That would be difficult to accept because I have always felt that at least I got the 'moral highground'. They couldn't take it because I was sick. They were wrong and I was right. The victim.
But now, maybe not...maybe no one could've helped me except Brian (and 2 of my university friends). Maybe it was all too much to deal with. I don't know. Were my expectations too high? Was I that difficult to be around? My memories are blurry around the edges. I don't think my behaviour deserved their behavior but I have doubts now. It makes me a little sad because if it wasn't because they were too selfish, then maybe I overreacted. I can see how easy it would be to pull away from my friend in hospital but I choose not to. Does that make me different? I don't know but I won't judge them so harshly now. Depression is difficult to be around. And there are a lot of hard decisions to make as a friend: Do I tell her she shouldn't get married? Do I tell her she drinks too much? Do I check up on her and make sure she sees her doctor? Do I tell her that I am worried about her travelling across Zim with a dog and a kitten in a months time? I am scared that it will make her worse if I tell her. But (and this is my failing) I am scared of what she will say to me if I do.
5 comments:
Awww. I'm sorry, that sounds hard.
Self-doubt is always hard because you can't accurately judge yourself. Perhaps you can talk to someone you trust and she/he can give you some feedback?
Hope it works out.
Jesus. This is hard. Its so hard to tell people stuff when you know they will take it the wrong way and attack you.
1. You were never that bad. But, people react differently to situations and Book Club Gang just probably couldn't handle it. It's not your fault, but it's not theirs either. You're lives and friendships just weren't compatible anymore , I think.
2. Telling friends the hard stuff is... Hard. You know that their opinion of the situation is different from yours and they will get hurt and attack you and call you am awful friend. But there are times you keep your mouth shut and times you have to say something. When your friend is marrying someone you think is a wet blanket and she is waaaaaaaay too good for him, you don't say anything. If your friend is marrying someone who
Physically or emotionally abuses her, man, you get her out of that situation ASAP.
Your friend is trying to kill herself and is putting herself in dangerous and impulsive situations. My opinion is that this is one if those times you gots to man up and talk to her. Yeah, maybe she won't want to be your friend any more and maybe she'll attack you, but it's better than letting her self destruct and losing her anyway, at her own hands.
Love you!!!
Thanks for the comments. Appreciate it!
My sister has bipolar. And another personality disorder. Sadly for her, her friends have all found it too hard to stick by the insanity and the hard times. I however, have no choice but to stick by her. It is so hard. But people with bipolar do need someone, because they are ill, they cannot depend on themselves. So you being there for her is huge. Really huge. Sadly I can give no advice, because being there for my sister entails constant abuse and fury, inbetween the good stuff. And terror. Lots of terror. The best thing is to depersonalise everything. If she says ugly things to you it is because she is in a terrible low (from her chemical imbalance) and the low is so painful that she looks for outward causes. It is not really you, and when she is over that low she will regret pushing you away. So try to ignore her anger. It is really hard though :(
Thanks for your comment, Po. I think I am just a bit scared (it happens when I am not sure how to 'fix' something) and very self-absorbed. She is a good person and she is just having a rough time. Thanks for reminding me that it is not about me. I am sorry that you struggle with your sister and her moods. Thinking of you and sending you a big hug!
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