Sunday, January 1, 2012

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

Hmmm, I wish I had some really cool things to write here. These are a little mundane but thats life.

1.) I went on a solo road trip between Port Elizabeth and De Aar for work and took a detour on some dirt road which eventually turned out to be a dead end but I did feel like an explorer
2.)I handed in my Masters
3.)I started blogging

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don't usually have proper New Year's resolutions but for 2011 I wanted to take charge of my life and get a job and stop being so moany. Or something like that.

I suppose I did keep my 2011 resolutions: I started seeing a therapist weekly, I handed in my MSc., I got a job in the Environment. I think on paper I have my life kinda under control.

For 2012, I am making a concerted effort to keep my resolutions:

1.) Hand in my final corrections for the MSc
2.) Lose 12kg
3.) Start exercising
4.) Keep seeing a therapist
5.) Be the best possible sister I can be
6.) Keep a diary
7.) Save money
8.) Do something I have never done before
9.) Stop letting my family get to me
10.) Take one evening every week to do something I enjoy

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

A work colleague as well as countless old friends on facebook

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My dog, Falcon

5. What countries did you visit?

South Africa

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

1.) A more active social life
2.) Being more in control of my emotions
3.) A boyfriend who lives with me during the week
4.) The strength and courage to deal with my family
5.) The wisdom to accept the things that I can't change

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory?

28 February 2011- Handing in my MSc
01 August 2011 - My first day of my 'career'
31 December 2011- A phone call that broke my heart

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Handing in my MSc. and getting an environmental job

9. What was your biggest failure?

Focussing so much on external issues such as jobs and not on my mental health and also not knowing how to look after my sister

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

No, luckily not.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Flowers for my garden

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

My sister's courage, bravery and success and Brian's support and love through everything

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

My mother and father- both of them have broken my heart in different ways

14. Where did most of your money go?

Petrol, food, car repayments, rent...boring necessary stuff

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

My new job and the couch and furniture Brian bought

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2011?

Coldplay 'Paradise' - my first concert
Christina Perri- 'Jar of hearts' - cause I love it

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

•Happier or sadder? Sadder, last year I was more hopeful about my family.
•Thinner or fatter? Thinner.
•Richer or poorer? Richer- I suppose

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

enjoy the small things

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?


20. How will you be spending Christmas?

I spent it with Brian's family and then with mine.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?


22. Did you fall in love in 2011?

I fell in love with Brian lots of times

23. How many one night stands in this last year?


24. What was your favourite TV program?

So you think you can dance; Grey's anatomy; the Mentalist

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I don't think I hate anyone but there are still people I dislike

26. What was the best book(s) you read?

I hardly read this year (sadly)

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Christina Perri

28. What did you want and get?

My job and my new couch

29. What did you want and not get?

A happy family

30. What were your favourite films of this year?

Harry Potter

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 27 and I am I so old and I can't remember what I got

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

A healthy mom

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

I wear whatver I own which is comfortable

34. What kept you sane?

Brian, medication, Savanah

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Zach Levi

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

'A government-proposed “Protection of Information Bill” that would prevent the disclosure of information deemed harmful to the “national interest”.

37. Who did you miss?

My friend Sarah

38. Who was the best new person you met?

Ummm.....not sure

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

You can't wish for happiness

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?

"No one said it would be easy but no one said it would be so hard" - Coldplay 'The Scientist'

Friday, December 30, 2011

2011 remembered

I am feeling sad thoughtful annoyed today. There are lots of reasons I suppose: relationships not always living up to expectations, holidays not lasting long enough, prayers not answered. Also my house is a mess which always annoys me. And the thought that in a week Brian will be off back to work in Harrismith and I'll be back to my half single-half not existence is annoying. I don't want to start 2012 annoyed. I want to exorcise my demons so that I am light and happy for 2012. Besides, I never like odd years. I always expect bad things from odd years but even years always seem happier. Even if the said even year will be the end of the world (I would be seriously annoyed if that was the case). So anyway, here because I like lists I am going to list the good and the bad of 2011.

Its pretty personal, but ya, don't read it if you don't want to. Either way.

The Good:

1.) I handed in my MSc.
2.) I have a great relationship with my boyfriend
3.) I got a job at an environmental consultancy
4.) I bought a new car
5.) I live in the cutest little place
6.) I have the most awesome-est sister in the world
7.) I got over my f#@kwit "friends" FINALLY.
8.) I started going to a therapist and feel like I am in control of my depression
9.) I lost 8kg in 5 months (only 12kg to go)
10) I decreased my medication and have been doing okay
11) I discovered strawberries in Champagne and caramel vodka. Seriously good stuff.
12) I went to a wedding where the groom sang Brino Mars' 'Just the way you are' to the bride. I don't know, it kind of restored my faith in marriage. It was just so cute.
13) I saw my friend from Japan
14) I maintained my relationship with the awesome helen
15) I worked hard at my new job and they think I am wonderful
16) Brian still thinks I am wonderful
17) Savanah still thinks I am wonderful
18) I finally bought some plants for my garden and some stepping stones which make me happy
19) I finally joined the grown up ranks and had a pap smear and check my breasts for lumps. And I appear healthy.
20) I have only had 3 panic attacks this year.

The bad:

1.) I didn't finish my MSc corrections
2.) My boyfriend still spent the whole of the year working in Harrismith
3.) Working 70 hour weeks kills me
4.) I spend a shitload of money each month on a car and then bumped it into a pillar after 5 months
5.) My life mainly consists of work, home, food, tv, bath, sleep.
6.) My family still has the power to stress me out
7.) My dad had an affair and destroyed a lot of my ideals
8.) My mom has been hospitalised twice this year for depression.
9.) Being hospitalised appears to makes no difference
10) We now have to hide her medicication since she had taken small overdoses twice in the last month. She passed out on my brothers birthday.
11) I have realised that she will never be my 'mother' - I have been and will always be looking after her.
12) I have taken a student loan for my brother- more debt. yay.
13) My sister is so cynical and there is nothing I can do to fix it
14) My family is so broken and there is nothing I can do to fix it
15) I have four friends: brian, savanah, helen and sarah. Two don't count because they are family/boyfriend and one lives a million miles away. I think I am coming to terms with the fact that I will never have a bustling friendship circle.
16) I have come to terms with the fact I will not travel. Its too expensive and I would prefer a house and a dog
17) I have come to terms with the fact that the 'house' I dream of will be a complex unit and I will (maybe) be able to have one small dog
18) I didn't exercise like I wanted too
19) I didn't save like I wanted too
20) I am still so overwhelmed by life and I didn't find some magic manual to tells me how to fix everything

Things I want to change next year:

1) I want to start/join a bookclub. I need books and wine at least once a month
2) I want to save some money
3) Brian must get a job in Joburg
4) I must become less overwhelmed by my family

Things I want to stay the same

1) I want to keep working hard at my job
2) I want to continue having a good relationship with my sister
3) I want to continue having a good relationship with Brian
4) Savanah stays as wonderful as she is currently

Things I want to magically change (but need a fairy godmother or an angel to help)

1) My mom grows up, gets a job, learns to drive and can take care of herself
2) My dad gets a stable job and either works on his marriage or gets a divorce
3) My brother starts talking to my dad again
4) Brians mom's eyes get better
5) My saving account magically fills up
6) I buy new clothes for myself and throw out nearly all my current clothes as all are about 5 years old
7) Brian and I buy a house and rescue two dogs (a husky and a border collie)
8) My salary triples
9) My workload stays the same
10) My grandfather stops aging
11) Sarah and Nomu find brilliant jobs here in joburg. They make lots of money and both of them are happy. And we go for breakfast every saturday morning.
12) I never feel guilty again
13) Brian and I go on a cruise in Alaska
14) I stop procrastinating
15) Magically brian becomes more touchy feely
16) Magically I stop being emotional and overwhelmed
17) The petrol price goes down
18) The newspapers stop reporting on corruption because there is NONE
19) People smile at each other in the traffic
20) There is no traffic, or war, or poverty or disease

The End.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Let's Talk About The Good Times Only

A lot of things are happening at the moment and I am pretty overwhelmed by it all. I am trying to focus on me at the moment. I am trying to learn to be happy even when there are crappy times. I think I am doing an okay job.

Here are some of the happy happy times from this holiday, so far. We went to a beautiful wedding in the Natal Midlands and my friend Sarah is visiting from Japan. At the same time that my friend Laura is visiting from the UK. Yay! And I had Brian's family over for Christmas Eve. And I cooked Gammon. And no one got sick.

Brian and I at his friend, Greg's wedding.

How cute is this chapel? I love it!

Brian's friends are nutters! hot :)

The girlfriends of the nutters (actually, girlfriend (me), fiance (Jax) and wife (Gen))

Me and hillock, the nuttiest nutter of them all.

Brian and Sarah underneath my "Japanese Couples umbrella' christmas present (from sarah)

Sarah and Me

Me and Sarah, Laura and Helen (how pretty do they all look?)

My pretty patio all ready for Christmas Eve

These lights were supposed to be only for christmas but I love them so I am not taking them down and no one can make me ;)

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Black Tuesday

More than anything I am disappointed. This country has so much promise, yet we will throw it all away. Not a good day.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

I need to have this tattooed to my forehead so I don't forget

I don't think I have ever read something more applicable to me. Half my problems come from not knowing me or feeling guilty for wanting anything for myself.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Things I know right now

1.) Ummm....Not much
2.) Happiness is a choice - washing the dishes can make you happy if you have had a really crappy week.
3.) Moving the old couch outside to use as patio furniture was a brilliant idea.
4.) Drinking a 1/2 glass of wine (its a big glass) and relaxing for the 1st time this week does not make me an alchoholic.
5.) I love this song

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Nobody said it would be easy

I have 'The Scientist' by Coldplay in my head.

"Nobody said it would be easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start"

I don't even know where to start. But I think I need to get some of it out. Which feels quite selfish. I haven't been blogging often and then things go pear shaped and I need to tell the cyber world.

Its my parents...things haven't been great between them for awhile. What is that stat? One in two marriages end in divorce??? Something like that. My parents aren't even getting a divorce. My father has just forgotten all the stuff he taught us about life and respect. He has effectively broken my heart. I can't lie. I have always been somewhat of a daddy's girl. We all are to a certain extent. And my mom is just so emotional and needy. I have always had to look after her so that bond with my dad was a nice relief.

But then I grew up, I moved out and I didn't have long chats about everything with him any more. I was disappointed with the way he handled my depression and I just didn't have the emotional energy for my family's crap all the time. So I withdrew. I am still withdrawn from everyone but Savanah. I am not proud of this. I think its just a defense. My role in my family was always the practical 'fixer'. I fix things. But as you get older the problems that you cant fix just increase and increase. They become so overwhelming. And I don't know how to turn of the automatic 'must-fix' tendancy so I just tried to leave the problems alone.

And now they have just come crashing down. The worst part of it is that all my life I have tried to stay neutral. Never pick sides. Love my parents equally and now they have forced me to choose. My dad's actions and my mom's weakness and forced the decision. A decision I have feared all my life. A decision that leaves me taking a million phone calls from my mom and none from my dad.

I can't even tell them how much I am hurting because right now, its about them. It feels that it has always been about them. My mom, the victim, weak and depressed and completetly dependent and my dad, stubborn and hard "my way or the high way", domineering.

Maybe, this is awful to say, but I don't always expect the best from my mom. She is childish and selfish and so dependent and I have tried to help her. To organise doctors and therapy but she wants me to do it all and I can't. I want her to take some responsibility and take action. And she doesn't.

I don't always expect the best from my dad, either. He can be controlling and has a bad temper. But I feel he taught me about doing the right thing, even when that is hard. About being strong. And now I feel he is going against everything he taught me. Like it was all a lie.

I want them to be happy and I can see that they are not happy. But, the way they have both acted. It takes away my belief in them. And that just makes me feel small and alone. They don't even know it. I have this overwhelming need to be strong so I can't or won't even tell them. Besides, it would make no difference. I keep having nightmares of christmas day and my wedding and other family occassions. I just don't know how things will be from now on.

And over and over I keep thinking, how could he do this? I expected more from him. From her, it was surprising but less of a shock. But from him? You never stop being a child when it comes to your parents. Its just so sad that my parents have never really thought of me as the child.

I want to believe that Brian and I will be different. But why would we be? My parents didn't imagine this life for themselves when they said "I do". Why would I be different. This is why I should never have children. No marriage really survives children. Maybe they would have been okay if I didn't come so quickly. guilt for being born. Awesome.

I have just lost all faith. My dad took that away from me. He broke my heart. And my mom, she just want me to turn into some robot/miracle worker. Who I am and what I feel doesn't matter. They don't even know me anymore. I hate them for it. But of course, I don't hate them. That would be easier.

'No one ever said it would be this hard"

Saturday, October 8, 2011

This week...


Seriously! Too tired to even write paragraphs:

1.) Driving to Rustenburg for a meeting is tiring. Its a long drive.
2.) Exercise endorphins are real. After outdoor bootcamp with Helen I was on such a high.
3.) I am so unfit.
4.) I can hardly walk now because of outdoor bootcamp. I blame Helen.
5.) Working till 8pm and then bumping my 6 month old car into a concrete pillar in the parking lot. There were lots of tears. Epic Fail.
6.) Meeting with scary project manager of doom on friday morning went well. Having no lunch and having to borrow money for takeout from boss not so great.
7.) I am going to become a Visual Impact Assessment specialist. Apparently. Hmmmm...well, thats my company's plan.
8.) Savanah has a boyfriend that is 3 years older than her. Its all official on facebook now. It worries me. I don't trust 17 year old boys. But I trust Savanah.
9.) Brian bought a new tv stand and coffee table last weekend. It will be delivered next week. Its so pretty. I am very ready to get rid of my hand me down tv stand and coffee table.
10.) COLDPLAY tonight. So excited. The biggest concert I have ever seen was Meatloaf when I was 10.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

I planned a long post but then read blogs instead...

So you will all have to hear my random ramblings another time. Wow! I am tired.

p.s. Tomorrow is Wednesday - the half way mark and soon it will be Friday and the weekend. Yay.

p.s.2. Does anyone have a dog I can borrow on Sundays so I can take him/her for a walk? Brian and I go for a walk at this gorgeous park and I get so jealous of all the people with their beautiful dogs.

p.s.3. How CUTE is this???

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Ryan's awesome 21st!

I just have to add some pictures from last night. I had such a fun time. And I'm so proud of my little brother. It was also great to see Russel (my other brother) who flew in from Cape Town.

The theme was "Come as you were" - which caused some confusion but basically means come as someone you could have been in a past life. My brother is odd sometimes ;) Everybody dressed up and looked so gorgeous and fun. Really an awesome night. His girlfriend did so much to organise it. I am so happy that he has someone like that in his life.

Brian - he made me laugh the whole night. Wow. Awesomeness.

Ryan - An Officer and a Gentleman!

Me and my spanish dancer/assassin (she stole Brian's sheriff's gun and pretended to be an assassin all night)

Me and Rus - he looked like Darcy in Pride and Prejudice. :)

Some of Ryan's friends

I love both of these costumes!

Me and Brian - love him so much!

Ryan and his princess Julie.

Me and my brood! :)