Saturday, October 22, 2011

Nobody said it would be easy

I have 'The Scientist' by Coldplay in my head.

"Nobody said it would be easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start"

I don't even know where to start. But I think I need to get some of it out. Which feels quite selfish. I haven't been blogging often and then things go pear shaped and I need to tell the cyber world.

Its my parents...things haven't been great between them for awhile. What is that stat? One in two marriages end in divorce??? Something like that. My parents aren't even getting a divorce. My father has just forgotten all the stuff he taught us about life and respect. He has effectively broken my heart. I can't lie. I have always been somewhat of a daddy's girl. We all are to a certain extent. And my mom is just so emotional and needy. I have always had to look after her so that bond with my dad was a nice relief.

But then I grew up, I moved out and I didn't have long chats about everything with him any more. I was disappointed with the way he handled my depression and I just didn't have the emotional energy for my family's crap all the time. So I withdrew. I am still withdrawn from everyone but Savanah. I am not proud of this. I think its just a defense. My role in my family was always the practical 'fixer'. I fix things. But as you get older the problems that you cant fix just increase and increase. They become so overwhelming. And I don't know how to turn of the automatic 'must-fix' tendancy so I just tried to leave the problems alone.

And now they have just come crashing down. The worst part of it is that all my life I have tried to stay neutral. Never pick sides. Love my parents equally and now they have forced me to choose. My dad's actions and my mom's weakness and forced the decision. A decision I have feared all my life. A decision that leaves me taking a million phone calls from my mom and none from my dad.

I can't even tell them how much I am hurting because right now, its about them. It feels that it has always been about them. My mom, the victim, weak and depressed and completetly dependent and my dad, stubborn and hard "my way or the high way", domineering.

Maybe, this is awful to say, but I don't always expect the best from my mom. She is childish and selfish and so dependent and I have tried to help her. To organise doctors and therapy but she wants me to do it all and I can't. I want her to take some responsibility and take action. And she doesn't.

I don't always expect the best from my dad, either. He can be controlling and has a bad temper. But I feel he taught me about doing the right thing, even when that is hard. About being strong. And now I feel he is going against everything he taught me. Like it was all a lie.

I want them to be happy and I can see that they are not happy. But, the way they have both acted. It takes away my belief in them. And that just makes me feel small and alone. They don't even know it. I have this overwhelming need to be strong so I can't or won't even tell them. Besides, it would make no difference. I keep having nightmares of christmas day and my wedding and other family occassions. I just don't know how things will be from now on.

And over and over I keep thinking, how could he do this? I expected more from him. From her, it was surprising but less of a shock. But from him? You never stop being a child when it comes to your parents. Its just so sad that my parents have never really thought of me as the child.

I want to believe that Brian and I will be different. But why would we be? My parents didn't imagine this life for themselves when they said "I do". Why would I be different. This is why I should never have children. No marriage really survives children. Maybe they would have been okay if I didn't come so quickly. guilt for being born. Awesome.

I have just lost all faith. My dad took that away from me. He broke my heart. And my mom, she just want me to turn into some robot/miracle worker. Who I am and what I feel doesn't matter. They don't even know me anymore. I hate them for it. But of course, I don't hate them. That would be easier.

'No one ever said it would be this hard"

1 comment:

Tamara said...

Good song.

Sorry things are so tough, Nes. Sending you masses of hugs over the intertubes.

Hope your folks sort themselves out soon and that you are able to hang onto the fact that you are not your parents and your choices and relationships are different to theirs, especially with Brian.