Friday, December 30, 2011

2011 remembered

I am feeling sad thoughtful annoyed today. There are lots of reasons I suppose: relationships not always living up to expectations, holidays not lasting long enough, prayers not answered. Also my house is a mess which always annoys me. And the thought that in a week Brian will be off back to work in Harrismith and I'll be back to my half single-half not existence is annoying. I don't want to start 2012 annoyed. I want to exorcise my demons so that I am light and happy for 2012. Besides, I never like odd years. I always expect bad things from odd years but even years always seem happier. Even if the said even year will be the end of the world (I would be seriously annoyed if that was the case). So anyway, here because I like lists I am going to list the good and the bad of 2011.

Its pretty personal, but ya, don't read it if you don't want to. Either way.

The Good:

1.) I handed in my MSc.
2.) I have a great relationship with my boyfriend
3.) I got a job at an environmental consultancy
4.) I bought a new car
5.) I live in the cutest little place
6.) I have the most awesome-est sister in the world
7.) I got over my f#@kwit "friends" FINALLY.
8.) I started going to a therapist and feel like I am in control of my depression
9.) I lost 8kg in 5 months (only 12kg to go)
10) I decreased my medication and have been doing okay
11) I discovered strawberries in Champagne and caramel vodka. Seriously good stuff.
12) I went to a wedding where the groom sang Brino Mars' 'Just the way you are' to the bride. I don't know, it kind of restored my faith in marriage. It was just so cute.
13) I saw my friend from Japan
14) I maintained my relationship with the awesome helen
15) I worked hard at my new job and they think I am wonderful
16) Brian still thinks I am wonderful
17) Savanah still thinks I am wonderful
18) I finally bought some plants for my garden and some stepping stones which make me happy
19) I finally joined the grown up ranks and had a pap smear and check my breasts for lumps. And I appear healthy.
20) I have only had 3 panic attacks this year.

The bad:

1.) I didn't finish my MSc corrections
2.) My boyfriend still spent the whole of the year working in Harrismith
3.) Working 70 hour weeks kills me
4.) I spend a shitload of money each month on a car and then bumped it into a pillar after 5 months
5.) My life mainly consists of work, home, food, tv, bath, sleep.
6.) My family still has the power to stress me out
7.) My dad had an affair and destroyed a lot of my ideals
8.) My mom has been hospitalised twice this year for depression.
9.) Being hospitalised appears to makes no difference
10) We now have to hide her medicication since she had taken small overdoses twice in the last month. She passed out on my brothers birthday.
11) I have realised that she will never be my 'mother' - I have been and will always be looking after her.
12) I have taken a student loan for my brother- more debt. yay.
13) My sister is so cynical and there is nothing I can do to fix it
14) My family is so broken and there is nothing I can do to fix it
15) I have four friends: brian, savanah, helen and sarah. Two don't count because they are family/boyfriend and one lives a million miles away. I think I am coming to terms with the fact that I will never have a bustling friendship circle.
16) I have come to terms with the fact I will not travel. Its too expensive and I would prefer a house and a dog
17) I have come to terms with the fact that the 'house' I dream of will be a complex unit and I will (maybe) be able to have one small dog
18) I didn't exercise like I wanted too
19) I didn't save like I wanted too
20) I am still so overwhelmed by life and I didn't find some magic manual to tells me how to fix everything

Things I want to change next year:

1) I want to start/join a bookclub. I need books and wine at least once a month
2) I want to save some money
3) Brian must get a job in Joburg
4) I must become less overwhelmed by my family

Things I want to stay the same

1) I want to keep working hard at my job
2) I want to continue having a good relationship with my sister
3) I want to continue having a good relationship with Brian
4) Savanah stays as wonderful as she is currently

Things I want to magically change (but need a fairy godmother or an angel to help)

1) My mom grows up, gets a job, learns to drive and can take care of herself
2) My dad gets a stable job and either works on his marriage or gets a divorce
3) My brother starts talking to my dad again
4) Brians mom's eyes get better
5) My saving account magically fills up
6) I buy new clothes for myself and throw out nearly all my current clothes as all are about 5 years old
7) Brian and I buy a house and rescue two dogs (a husky and a border collie)
8) My salary triples
9) My workload stays the same
10) My grandfather stops aging
11) Sarah and Nomu find brilliant jobs here in joburg. They make lots of money and both of them are happy. And we go for breakfast every saturday morning.
12) I never feel guilty again
13) Brian and I go on a cruise in Alaska
14) I stop procrastinating
15) Magically brian becomes more touchy feely
16) Magically I stop being emotional and overwhelmed
17) The petrol price goes down
18) The newspapers stop reporting on corruption because there is NONE
19) People smile at each other in the traffic
20) There is no traffic, or war, or poverty or disease

The End.

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