Craziness

I had a little 'crazy' moment on the weekend. I was sitting watching Guiliana and Bill - yes, I watch awful 'reality' shows- and they had just found out that their 2nd IVF didn't work. And I got so sad and then I got so worried that I was sad (hence the crazy part). It became incredibly important for me to talk to Brian about kids.

Now, we have spoken about having children before. But half the time I am so worried about the million mistakes I will make as a mother or how I might lose my relationship with Brian if I have a child so I am constantly saying that I don't want children. I think the sadness that I felt at watching people desperatly wanting a child came from the fear that because I say I don't want children now, I might never have one.

Brian isn't too keen for children- I think he gets very worried about the responsibility- and I got so scared that my comments about not wanting children may be lying to him and that one day he will feel 'tricked' into this relationship. None of this is rational. He knows me so well and we have discussed that I might want children. But on Saturday, it became such a big THING to me.

I sat him down and then while crying and apologising for being such an awful girlfriend told him that I might want kids one day. The look on his face...I think he was 1.) confused and 2.) confused. He said he knew that and then sat expectantly for what he thought would be the 'awful' part of my confession. When I said that was all, I think he was trying not to laugh, but as usual he said exactly the right thing to say and so now (well at least for the next few months), I know that how I feel at 26 may change and that it is okay not to make a decision now. Its a good feeling to know that he knows me so well. And that it is okay to be unsure about this stuff.

I still can't understand my mind though. What on earth possessed me to become seriously emotional while watching Guiliana and Bill???