I am a good listener in a lot of ways. I pay attention to what you are saying, I emphasize and I care but lately I have realised that if I hear a problem my immediate reaction is to try and fix it. I try come up with a solution. I am very pragmatic about the problem. I think it is my way of feeling less powerless.
This is a problem because not all issues have solutions and I am so focused on trying to fix it that I feel anxious and angry when I can't. I think this especially comes out with my family because there are so many problems I can't fix and I feel that there is a lot of pressure to fix them.
Last night my mom phoned me to tell me of yet another problem. I think, to be honest, that she just wanted to talk. But although I tried I didn't manage to just sit and listen. I was angry because the past two weeks I have felt crap and this is the first phone call I had and it was only to cry on my shoulder. It made me even more convinced that the only reason I was called was to fix it. Like my worth is only a good as my ability to make things okay. And I can't make it all okay. So I got angry.
How do I coach myself to take a step back and just listen without feeling the pressure of the situation on my shoulders? I know I think too much. My brain whirrs on trying to fix it. How do I turn it off? Do other people feel like this? Or if you are a good listener, how do you just listen without becoming so involved? These are things I am trying to figure out. I think that its vital for me to learn but I need to know where to start.
3 comments:
I think it's the mother in you coming out trying to fix things and make things better. I'm not sure if it's so easy to just turn it off.
Sorry I know that wasn't of much help. I hope you find a way to find a balance...
I think you're normal - a lot of us want to fix problems. Sometimes the person is just looking for support, not solutions. But if you've become the "fixer" in your family, there probably is pressure to deliver a solution to every problem. Do you share your problems with others? It might help to balance the roles if they get to "fix" things for you too occasionally. You'll also prove you're not superhuman, which goes a long way in getting rid of that pressure.
Just some thoughts. Could be wrong (would not be the first or the last time).
Thanks Fiona, its one of the scariest thoughts about being a mother. There is so much fixing to do. I suppose all we can do is try and find balance. And Tamara, don't think you're wrong- its just very hard to change your 'role' in many friendships and in a family. Well with me anyway, it never works out well when I share my problems but there are one or two people now that now the real me. Like Helen and Sarah and my boyfriend and so thats good.
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