A confession

I am socially awkward and I wish I was different. Now don't go disagreeing with me. I am. And it sucks. My previous post was all about how awesome the blogger get together was. And it really was, but in that big crowd I couldn't think of ONE thing to say. It was awful. Part of it is just being shy- that I can get. But when everyone started chatting and relaxing I was practically catatonic in the corner. All I could think of were the proper social behaviour at a blogger event: like do I mention something that I know happened in your day (because I read it) or not? I don't know. And do I just wander around and introduce myself?

What's worse is that I feel I am getting worse with age. I have always been introverted. It has always been difficult to make friends. But a few years ago I had a handful of friends that I saw socially and enjoyed going out every once in a while. I think that how I act in social situations is related to who I am with. If I am out with people that know me and like me then my own perception of myself is positive. But if I am with people that don't know me (or worse, don't like me) then all my confidence flies out the window. I feel like some sort of shadow person. I only exist as people perceive. Not as myself. How sad is that? I am 26! I should be able to have a personality that is concrete- and not dependent on the social situation.

Half the problem is my lack of socialising.

This is a normal week for me:

1.) Arrive at work, say hi to colleague (quick hi, no chatting)
2.) Go down to manager (who is my boyfriend's mom) have a quick chat about work and the boyfriend (secretly because no one knows my boyfriend is her son)
3.) Blog
4.) Chat to Helen on gchat - she is writing up her PhD and so can't chat as often. Completely understandable.
5.) Wave good bye to colleagues as they leave office. Maybe say a few words about the weather.
6a.) Go to parents house, try not to fight with mom or dad, pick up sister, hear about school day, arrive home and say hi to the cat.
6b.) OR Arrive home alone and say hi to the cat
7.) Cook at eat
8.) Watch TV (if sister is there then chat to her or listen to her latest favourite song)
9.) Talk on skype to boyfriend
10.)Bath and go to sleep

And then repeat Monday to Friday. Weekends consist of staying as close as possible to boyfriend, watching PVRed shows and going to get muffins from woolworths

This is probably one of the most honest posts I have ever written because mostly I pretend that I am content. But I suppose, when I do put myself out there and when I am honest to myself,that I am lonely. And I need to do something about it.

I had a conversation with Helen now and I am going to try go out more (even if it detracts from weekend time with Brian- he will understand. I keep hoping that I will meet cool people at this new job. But I am also scared that even I meet cool people I will be to socially incapable to talk or anything. I think maybe I am stuck in the past. I keep waiting for it to change but its not going to. Sarah is not coming back from Japan (except on holiday) and we are not going spend all our time together and have breakfast at rosebank every saturday. I can't expect Helen to dump her PhD work during the week because I like to stay home on the weekends. Kate and Leigh are never going to sms/phone and apologise for hurting me and we are never going to be friends again. I need to move on from them. I need to do something to change how I feel because the friends I have now are awesome but I need to get out the house more and actually see them and I should try meet people. And go for coffee and movies or wine or sing karokee or go to quizz nights.

I suppose I should be proud of myself...I walked into the blogger get together by myself. And if I keep putting myself out there by going out then maybe the old and fun Vanessa will come back. The one in the 21st speeches: a mix between a mother hen and a party animal. I want that Vanessa back. I keep thinking of my favourite saying.

"Fear is the original sin" L.M. Montgomery