But more than anything I am upset that I feel like this. It was a month ago that I felt that I had finally 'come out of the forest' with my depression. I felt that it was under control. I accepted that I still needed to take the medication but I was proud that I had managed to cut down the tranquilisers by so much (over a very very long time). So to be hit down after feeling that I was in a good place shook a lot of my confidence. Especially since I don't really know why.
The stress I have hasn't really changed. My family is still the same but they have been like that for awhile and I thought I had dealt with my friend issue demons. I have a new job to look forward too and I just have to finish my corrections and then I will have a MSc. The only thing I can think about is that somehow, in visiting Brian is Harrismith, I became a sad and terrified baby.
The thing is, right from the beginning Brian and I spent all I time together. We were finishing our Honours in the same department when we started going out and then spent the next two years working in the same office seeing each other every day and every night. It was never too much. Although we were together at work, we both were concentrating on our own work so it was 'independent togetherness', I suppose.
Things had to change eventually. Brian finished his MSc. on time and I did not so he got a part time job while he looked for full time environmental options. A few months later he was offered a job as an environmental control officer. We new he would have to live in Harrismith but we were lucky. The project moved slowly and so first he commuted to Heidelberg and only after a year did he move to Harrismith. It was nice having a transitional period and I have always been quite proud that I have handled a semi long distance relationship well. I feel that I have been supportive and accepting and I think Brian thinks I have been too.
I think the problem is that I put a time limit on it in my head. It was only going to last till December 2010. And then it was stretched till May 2011 and now December 2011. I have taken this all in my stride but going to Harrismith and actually spending evenings together was a stark contrast to what I have in Joburg. I have a very 'tick-the-box' type mind. And so now I have finished my MSc. and I have found my environmental job and we have our little place, I think that I am tired of having this 'half-life'. I am tired of waiting and I am lonely too. Before I was so stressed about the MSc., so worried about my family, so unhappy with my job that I didn't have time to wish for more but I think that by feeling better that I finally made space to acknowledge the toll that this long distance thing is having on me.
And so I think I have finally figured it out. Now, I have to try persuade my worrier mind that all is not bad in the world. It is only till December and its July already and I will be busy with my new job and I know I am going to meet some nice people and it will be good. For me, working out the problem is half the solution so I apologise for this long winded post but I definitely feel better than I have in weeks.
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