Anyway, happy friday peeps! Have an awesome weekend!
Friday, July 29, 2011
Sarah has the best taste in music
My friend Sarah has the best taste in music. I love this so I reblogged it from her. I am not quite sure what the message is but what the hell...
Anyway, happy friday peeps! Have an awesome weekend!
Anyway, happy friday peeps! Have an awesome weekend!
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Happiness is
Lying in bed with the electric blanket on and reading next to your most gorgeous sister (also reading) and the cat. Add some Milo to the mix and its heaven.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
What is normal anyway?
I was very surprised when I went to go visit my psychiatrist today. I made the appointment mainly to top up my script but I had to cancel yesterday because I ran late. I should've planned it better yesterday but it was my last day and everyone was saying good bye. I didn't think much of it. Today, when arrived for the appointment Dr. S suggested we look at attention deficit disorder as a possibility. I was in shock. Its so not me. Its the opposite of how I perceive myself but I did read a bit about it and some of it fits. A few sentences from here jumped out at me.
Like:
Alternately, you may have been able to compensate for the symptoms of ADD/ADHD when you were young, only to run into problems as your responsibilities increase. The more balls you’re trying to keep in the air—pursuing a career, raising a family, running a household—the greater the demand on your abilities to organize, focus, and remain calm. This can be challenging for anyone, but if you have ADD/ADHD, it can feel downright impossible.
Zoning out” without realizing it, even in the middle of a conversation.
Hyperfocus is actually a coping mechanism for distraction—a way of tuning out the chaos. It can be so strong that you become oblivious to everything going on around you. For example, you may be so engrossed in a book, a TV show, or your computer that you completely lose track of time and neglect the things you’re supposed to be doing. Hyperfocus can be an asset when channeled into productive activities, but it can also lead to work and relationship problems if left unchecked.
Poor organizational skills (home, office, desk, or car is extremely messy and cluttered)
Tendency to procrastinate
Chronic lateness
Underestimating the time it will take you to complete tasks
Sense of underachievement
Easily flustered and stressed out
Irritability or mood swings
Trouble staying motivated
Low self-esteem and sense of insecurity
Feelings of inner restlessness, agitation
Racing thoughts
Trouble sitting still; constant fidgeting
Now I am not saying I have all of these at the same time or even in one day. But I feel like that sometimes. But don't we all? Seriously, if you grow up in a loud house isn't it normal to develop the ability to tune out people/tv etc. while you read? And anxiety can account for constant fidgeting. And who doesn't feel inadequate sometimes?
I am disorganised sometimes but I finish things. I zone out but I am on medication which aims to make my brain work slower. I suffer from depression so half the self esteem issues fit into that too. Its just all so confusing. I am not keen to take more medication but I also don't want to fight a diagnosis that may help me. Still, it all sounds a little of a thumb suck. That said, Dr. S didn't change my medication. He says we will discuss it again.
Like:
Alternately, you may have been able to compensate for the symptoms of ADD/ADHD when you were young, only to run into problems as your responsibilities increase. The more balls you’re trying to keep in the air—pursuing a career, raising a family, running a household—the greater the demand on your abilities to organize, focus, and remain calm. This can be challenging for anyone, but if you have ADD/ADHD, it can feel downright impossible.
Zoning out” without realizing it, even in the middle of a conversation.
Hyperfocus is actually a coping mechanism for distraction—a way of tuning out the chaos. It can be so strong that you become oblivious to everything going on around you. For example, you may be so engrossed in a book, a TV show, or your computer that you completely lose track of time and neglect the things you’re supposed to be doing. Hyperfocus can be an asset when channeled into productive activities, but it can also lead to work and relationship problems if left unchecked.
Poor organizational skills (home, office, desk, or car is extremely messy and cluttered)
Tendency to procrastinate
Chronic lateness
Underestimating the time it will take you to complete tasks
Sense of underachievement
Easily flustered and stressed out
Irritability or mood swings
Trouble staying motivated
Low self-esteem and sense of insecurity
Feelings of inner restlessness, agitation
Racing thoughts
Trouble sitting still; constant fidgeting
Now I am not saying I have all of these at the same time or even in one day. But I feel like that sometimes. But don't we all? Seriously, if you grow up in a loud house isn't it normal to develop the ability to tune out people/tv etc. while you read? And anxiety can account for constant fidgeting. And who doesn't feel inadequate sometimes?
I am disorganised sometimes but I finish things. I zone out but I am on medication which aims to make my brain work slower. I suffer from depression so half the self esteem issues fit into that too. Its just all so confusing. I am not keen to take more medication but I also don't want to fight a diagnosis that may help me. Still, it all sounds a little of a thumb suck. That said, Dr. S didn't change my medication. He says we will discuss it again.
Learning to listen
I am a good listener in a lot of ways. I pay attention to what you are saying, I emphasize and I care but lately I have realised that if I hear a problem my immediate reaction is to try and fix it. I try come up with a solution. I am very pragmatic about the problem. I think it is my way of feeling less powerless.
This is a problem because not all issues have solutions and I am so focused on trying to fix it that I feel anxious and angry when I can't. I think this especially comes out with my family because there are so many problems I can't fix and I feel that there is a lot of pressure to fix them.
Last night my mom phoned me to tell me of yet another problem. I think, to be honest, that she just wanted to talk. But although I tried I didn't manage to just sit and listen. I was angry because the past two weeks I have felt crap and this is the first phone call I had and it was only to cry on my shoulder. It made me even more convinced that the only reason I was called was to fix it. Like my worth is only a good as my ability to make things okay. And I can't make it all okay. So I got angry.
How do I coach myself to take a step back and just listen without feeling the pressure of the situation on my shoulders? I know I think too much. My brain whirrs on trying to fix it. How do I turn it off? Do other people feel like this? Or if you are a good listener, how do you just listen without becoming so involved? These are things I am trying to figure out. I think that its vital for me to learn but I need to know where to start.
This is a problem because not all issues have solutions and I am so focused on trying to fix it that I feel anxious and angry when I can't. I think this especially comes out with my family because there are so many problems I can't fix and I feel that there is a lot of pressure to fix them.
Last night my mom phoned me to tell me of yet another problem. I think, to be honest, that she just wanted to talk. But although I tried I didn't manage to just sit and listen. I was angry because the past two weeks I have felt crap and this is the first phone call I had and it was only to cry on my shoulder. It made me even more convinced that the only reason I was called was to fix it. Like my worth is only a good as my ability to make things okay. And I can't make it all okay. So I got angry.
How do I coach myself to take a step back and just listen without feeling the pressure of the situation on my shoulders? I know I think too much. My brain whirrs on trying to fix it. How do I turn it off? Do other people feel like this? Or if you are a good listener, how do you just listen without becoming so involved? These are things I am trying to figure out. I think that its vital for me to learn but I need to know where to start.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Here's to the future
I am in a very positive mood today...I am excited about my new job and about the new era in my life. So this is more of a reminder to myself that even though things sometimes get tough, there is always a light at the end of a tunnel. I love all these quotes. Hope you do too?
N3 highway closed due to snow
N3 highway closed due to snow: "The N3 highway between Gauteng and KwaZulu-Natal has been closed right across the Free State due to icy weather and snow."
My poor boy is stranded without electricity and his car is snowed in and the roads are closed. We are really unprepared for bad weather in SA.
My poor boy is stranded without electricity and his car is snowed in and the roads are closed. We are really unprepared for bad weather in SA.
Its snowing in Harrismith
See? Exciting, hey?
Brian sent me this picture this morning but it snowed from last night. Its so pretty. Even Brian is excited about it (he phoned me last night to tell me about it). Shame, the guest house he stays at has no power and so he can't really do much work on his laptop before the battery dies so its a bit of a wasted day. I am, of course, hoping that it will keep snowing and so his company will send him home for the rest of the week. Sigh. Its worth hoping for, right?
Brian sent me this picture this morning but it snowed from last night. Its so pretty. Even Brian is excited about it (he phoned me last night to tell me about it). Shame, the guest house he stays at has no power and so he can't really do much work on his laptop before the battery dies so its a bit of a wasted day. I am, of course, hoping that it will keep snowing and so his company will send him home for the rest of the week. Sigh. Its worth hoping for, right?
Monday, July 25, 2011
Gross
Yes, call it gross or yuck or whatever you want but being a woman sucks sometimes. Every other woman out there will know what I mean and any guy will probably pretend not to.
Next Monday I will be starting at my new job
This is scary and exciting. More exciting at the moment. Tomorrow is my last day at the current job and then I have 3 days off to work on my MSc. corrections and pre-induction work. I am really looking forward to finishing up at that the current job. Its not a bad place but its hard to concentrate on working when you're finishing up...ummm...I don't really know how to explain it except that part of me has left already so it feels odd.
So basically today and tomorrow I am waiting. But I am cool with that. Its going to be a good week.
So basically today and tomorrow I am waiting. But I am cool with that. Its going to be a good week.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Its Friday!!! :)
I am in such a good mood. Yay! Its Friday and ABSA are sending me flowers (long story but I love flowers). And Brian drove me to work and is picking me up so that I could have a break from driving (he had a meeting yesterday so he is back early). Isn't he wonderful?
Yesterday, Savanah came to sleep over. She wrote me a letter during maths (although she assures me she had finished her work). She was confiding in me about a boy and telling me about her day. I feel so lucky to have such a wonderful relationship with her. I sometimes wonder if I could love her more if she was my daughter. I don't think so. She hit her head when she was 2 and my dad didn't have money to take her to emergency and they didn't want to go to Joburg gen at night. I was so worried about concussion that I stayed up the whole night and checked her every half an hour. I have kissed her sores better and cut up her food for her. I bathed her every night when she was little and base life decisions on her (i.e. Not looking for jobs in Cape Town). I love it when she talks and talks and talks and tells me every detail about her day at school and although I think she was the cutest baby ever, I love her at every age. I really can't imagine loving her more.
Anyway, that was off track...
So we watched Glee (I LOVE GLEE!) so glad its back on and Savanah and Brian had a long conversation about her music. She approves of his taste and then they ganged up on me and mocked my taste in music. It was such a lovely evening.
And tomorrow Brian, Savanah, Cathy and I are off to watch Harry Potter. I am currently tiding up my desk at work and throwing away a rainforest of paper. It feels good to be getting all sorted here. Soon it will be my new job and I am excited for that.
Hope you all have wonderful weekends. What are you doing?
Thursday, July 21, 2011
26 things to do before I am 27
Saw this on Tash's blog so I am jumping on the bandwagon, mainly because I love lists and also because its like a month to my birthday so...why not!
1.) Get my hair cut
2.) Buy some new make up.
3.) Finish all my pre-induction reading
4.) Lose 20 kg's (okay so that may be a little far fetched- so maybe go on a diet)
5.) Pack up my office
6.) Go to my first gynae appointment without crying and/or cancelling (you wouldn't say I was 26, right?)
7.) Finish my MSc. corrections
8.) Book my Urban bootcamp month of pain and torture
9.) Get a student loan for my brother, Ryan
10) Pick up some books from the herbarium
11) Finally meet up with a friend so I can get my favourite book in the world back from her
12) Throw out all the stupid files of BSc. undergrad subjects that are taking up space in my tiny apartment
13) Go out for drinks on the weekend more often
14) Go horse riding
15) Change medical aids
16) Change banks
17) Have a hissy fit at ABSA to get my R1000 back
18) See my psychiatrist and renew my script
19) Turn the mattress over
20) Vacuum under the bed and couch
21) Organise a group of people to go eat sushi with (I am craving sushi!)
22) Take Sav (my sister) and Cas (Brian's sister) to watch Harry Potter
23) Defrost the fridge
24) Straighten my hair and leave it down more often
25) Go for walks on the weekend
26) Be talkative and friendly at my new job!!!
1.) Get my hair cut
2.) Buy some new make up.
3.) Finish all my pre-induction reading
4.) Lose 20 kg's (okay so that may be a little far fetched- so maybe go on a diet)
5.) Pack up my office
6.) Go to my first gynae appointment without crying and/or cancelling (you wouldn't say I was 26, right?)
7.) Finish my MSc. corrections
8.) Book my Urban bootcamp month of pain and torture
9.) Get a student loan for my brother, Ryan
10) Pick up some books from the herbarium
11) Finally meet up with a friend so I can get my favourite book in the world back from her
12) Throw out all the stupid files of BSc. undergrad subjects that are taking up space in my tiny apartment
13) Go out for drinks on the weekend more often
14) Go horse riding
15) Change medical aids
16) Change banks
17) Have a hissy fit at ABSA to get my R1000 back
18) See my psychiatrist and renew my script
19) Turn the mattress over
20) Vacuum under the bed and couch
21) Organise a group of people to go eat sushi with (I am craving sushi!)
22) Take Sav (my sister) and Cas (Brian's sister) to watch Harry Potter
23) Defrost the fridge
24) Straighten my hair and leave it down more often
25) Go for walks on the weekend
26) Be talkative and friendly at my new job!!!
I think I might have figured it out
The last few weeks have been very difficult for me. I have been so emotional. I get so angry and want to drive into cars on the road (scary, hey?) and then so sad that I cry for hours. And during the day my insides feel raw from all the anxiety (sorry for the brutally honest post). Half the time I am so tired of it all that I just want to sleep.
But more than anything I am upset that I feel like this. It was a month ago that I felt that I had finally 'come out of the forest' with my depression. I felt that it was under control. I accepted that I still needed to take the medication but I was proud that I had managed to cut down the tranquilisers by so much (over a very very long time). So to be hit down after feeling that I was in a good place shook a lot of my confidence. Especially since I don't really know why.
The stress I have hasn't really changed. My family is still the same but they have been like that for awhile and I thought I had dealt with my friend issue demons. I have a new job to look forward too and I just have to finish my corrections and then I will have a MSc. The only thing I can think about is that somehow, in visiting Brian is Harrismith, I became a sad and terrified baby.
The thing is, right from the beginning Brian and I spent all I time together. We were finishing our Honours in the same department when we started going out and then spent the next two years working in the same office seeing each other every day and every night. It was never too much. Although we were together at work, we both were concentrating on our own work so it was 'independent togetherness', I suppose.
Things had to change eventually. Brian finished his MSc. on time and I did not so he got a part time job while he looked for full time environmental options. A few months later he was offered a job as an environmental control officer. We new he would have to live in Harrismith but we were lucky. The project moved slowly and so first he commuted to Heidelberg and only after a year did he move to Harrismith. It was nice having a transitional period and I have always been quite proud that I have handled a semi long distance relationship well. I feel that I have been supportive and accepting and I think Brian thinks I have been too.
I think the problem is that I put a time limit on it in my head. It was only going to last till December 2010. And then it was stretched till May 2011 and now December 2011. I have taken this all in my stride but going to Harrismith and actually spending evenings together was a stark contrast to what I have in Joburg. I have a very 'tick-the-box' type mind. And so now I have finished my MSc. and I have found my environmental job and we have our little place, I think that I am tired of having this 'half-life'. I am tired of waiting and I am lonely too. Before I was so stressed about the MSc., so worried about my family, so unhappy with my job that I didn't have time to wish for more but I think that by feeling better that I finally made space to acknowledge the toll that this long distance thing is having on me.
And so I think I have finally figured it out. Now, I have to try persuade my worrier mind that all is not bad in the world. It is only till December and its July already and I will be busy with my new job and I know I am going to meet some nice people and it will be good. For me, working out the problem is half the solution so I apologise for this long winded post but I definitely feel better than I have in weeks.
But more than anything I am upset that I feel like this. It was a month ago that I felt that I had finally 'come out of the forest' with my depression. I felt that it was under control. I accepted that I still needed to take the medication but I was proud that I had managed to cut down the tranquilisers by so much (over a very very long time). So to be hit down after feeling that I was in a good place shook a lot of my confidence. Especially since I don't really know why.
The stress I have hasn't really changed. My family is still the same but they have been like that for awhile and I thought I had dealt with my friend issue demons. I have a new job to look forward too and I just have to finish my corrections and then I will have a MSc. The only thing I can think about is that somehow, in visiting Brian is Harrismith, I became a sad and terrified baby.
The thing is, right from the beginning Brian and I spent all I time together. We were finishing our Honours in the same department when we started going out and then spent the next two years working in the same office seeing each other every day and every night. It was never too much. Although we were together at work, we both were concentrating on our own work so it was 'independent togetherness', I suppose.
Things had to change eventually. Brian finished his MSc. on time and I did not so he got a part time job while he looked for full time environmental options. A few months later he was offered a job as an environmental control officer. We new he would have to live in Harrismith but we were lucky. The project moved slowly and so first he commuted to Heidelberg and only after a year did he move to Harrismith. It was nice having a transitional period and I have always been quite proud that I have handled a semi long distance relationship well. I feel that I have been supportive and accepting and I think Brian thinks I have been too.
I think the problem is that I put a time limit on it in my head. It was only going to last till December 2010. And then it was stretched till May 2011 and now December 2011. I have taken this all in my stride but going to Harrismith and actually spending evenings together was a stark contrast to what I have in Joburg. I have a very 'tick-the-box' type mind. And so now I have finished my MSc. and I have found my environmental job and we have our little place, I think that I am tired of having this 'half-life'. I am tired of waiting and I am lonely too. Before I was so stressed about the MSc., so worried about my family, so unhappy with my job that I didn't have time to wish for more but I think that by feeling better that I finally made space to acknowledge the toll that this long distance thing is having on me.
And so I think I have finally figured it out. Now, I have to try persuade my worrier mind that all is not bad in the world. It is only till December and its July already and I will be busy with my new job and I know I am going to meet some nice people and it will be good. For me, working out the problem is half the solution so I apologise for this long winded post but I definitely feel better than I have in weeks.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
One thing you didn't know about me
When I was five my dad surprised me one Saturday by taking me horse riding. We were going to Golden Gate later that year and my dad wanted to me to go on a ride but he also wanted me to have enough skills to cope.
It was the most wonderful day and I never ever ever went back to ballet (I hated ballet). Horse riding on the other hand, was one of my favourite things. I dreamt about horses, read horse books and counted the seconds until my Saturday morning horse ride.
I am thinking of asking Brian for horse riding lessons for my birthday. I miss it and maybe it would help me feel better. Feel powerful and in control? I don't know...its an idea. I finally managed to fall asleep yesterday by imagining myself on an outride. It was so relaxing.
How beautiful is this horse?
It was the most wonderful day and I never ever ever went back to ballet (I hated ballet). Horse riding on the other hand, was one of my favourite things. I dreamt about horses, read horse books and counted the seconds until my Saturday morning horse ride.
I am thinking of asking Brian for horse riding lessons for my birthday. I miss it and maybe it would help me feel better. Feel powerful and in control? I don't know...its an idea. I finally managed to fall asleep yesterday by imagining myself on an outride. It was so relaxing.
How beautiful is this horse?
6.7 changes for a year
So I had this idea for Madiba's birthday. I didn't get around to organising my 67 minutes and I really want to make a difference. The problem is I often feel its futile. I was watching Harry's Law last week and this conversation really got to me because its such a big part of life in South Africa. She was talking to Tommy Jefferson (T) who is a bit weird so excuse some of the things he says.
T) "Do you ever look at homeless people on the street?"
H) "Sorry?"
(T) "You know. You're walking down the street. See a homeless person sitting on the curb. Do you look? Make eye contact?"
T) "I don't"
H) "They make you nauseous?" (refers to a previous discussion)
T) "No. I don't look because it depresses me. Not so much because they're homeless but because I CAN'T HELP THEM".
T) "Not in the whole. I mean sure - I should give the guy ten bucks. But, 30 yards down the street there's another one... and another one . . . and another one. I don't look because futility overcomes me!"
Harry shaking her head...
(T) "There's suffering all over the world, Harry. I can't make a difference. The futility of it all."
Well, do you look at beggars on the drive home? At every traffic light? In every parking lot? It made be think of two things. The first being the story of the little girl saving washed up starfish - "it makes a difference to the one I throw back" and the second - "be the change you want to see". So this list may not be huge. It may show you exactly how 'small' a person I am but I can only hope to help people if I change myself and the only way to do that is slowly. Also somethings may sound 'colonial' but they are not meant to. I do want to be a better person.
1.) Every month buy a few bags of apples or oranges etc. and give it out to beggars on the side of the road
2.)Click on the Barking Mad website everyday (One click = 1 bowl of food)
3.) Make sure that I have change for petrol attendants (I often run out of change)
4.) Try and compliment everyone I meet - everyone loves a compliment and the world needs happier people. Say hello and thank you to tellers even if I have had a hard day. Ask car guards about their day- show some interest and be a nicer person.
5.) During the holidays, volunteer at different places and donate clothes to charities
6.) Recyle!!! AND .7) Be more positive
Yes, I know that its not huge and its not 67 things either. Some of these things I try do already but I need to try harder. I need to make it part of my life. I need to be a nicer and more positive person. One of the things I have noticed both times that my wallet has been stolen this year is how people don't care. I want to care. I want to help people if they need help, I want to take the time. I think at the moment, its the best I can do to make a difference.
T) "Do you ever look at homeless people on the street?"
H) "Sorry?"
(T) "You know. You're walking down the street. See a homeless person sitting on the curb. Do you look? Make eye contact?"
T) "I don't"
H) "They make you nauseous?" (refers to a previous discussion)
T) "No. I don't look because it depresses me. Not so much because they're homeless but because I CAN'T HELP THEM".
T) "Not in the whole. I mean sure - I should give the guy ten bucks. But, 30 yards down the street there's another one... and another one . . . and another one. I don't look because futility overcomes me!"
Harry shaking her head...
(T) "There's suffering all over the world, Harry. I can't make a difference. The futility of it all."
Well, do you look at beggars on the drive home? At every traffic light? In every parking lot? It made be think of two things. The first being the story of the little girl saving washed up starfish - "it makes a difference to the one I throw back" and the second - "be the change you want to see". So this list may not be huge. It may show you exactly how 'small' a person I am but I can only hope to help people if I change myself and the only way to do that is slowly. Also somethings may sound 'colonial' but they are not meant to. I do want to be a better person.
1.) Every month buy a few bags of apples or oranges etc. and give it out to beggars on the side of the road
2.)Click on the Barking Mad website everyday (One click = 1 bowl of food)
3.) Make sure that I have change for petrol attendants (I often run out of change)
4.) Try and compliment everyone I meet - everyone loves a compliment and the world needs happier people. Say hello and thank you to tellers even if I have had a hard day. Ask car guards about their day- show some interest and be a nicer person.
5.) During the holidays, volunteer at different places and donate clothes to charities
6.) Recyle!!! AND .7) Be more positive
Yes, I know that its not huge and its not 67 things either. Some of these things I try do already but I need to try harder. I need to make it part of my life. I need to be a nicer and more positive person. One of the things I have noticed both times that my wallet has been stolen this year is how people don't care. I want to care. I want to help people if they need help, I want to take the time. I think at the moment, its the best I can do to make a difference.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Happy Birthday, Madiba!
How do truly great people manage to be great? I always wonder...is it fate or personality or courage or the fact that if they don't no one else will? I feel very small at the moment- all my moaning about a stolen purse. In the big picture it doesn't matter. I hadn't quite decided what to do for my 67 minutes when I started this post but I just had an AWESOME idea. I love lists so I am going to make a list of 67 things I am going to do in dedication of all the hard work Madiba did in his 67 years of activism. I will finish it before next year and then start again. I love this idea!
Now I have to think of things that need to be done! Ideas anyone?
So there I was trying to be awesome instead of sad
I really loved the picture (post below) and the saying and so I was all amped to be awesome instead of sad (because I had a few sad days before) and then as I am leaving work on Friday, I get a 'notify me' sms telling me that R1000 had been withdrawn from my credit card! I NEVER withdraw from my credit card so I freaked out a bit.
I stopped on the side of the road to check if I even had my purse anymore (nope, it was gone) and a parking attendant yelled at me (even though by this point I was crying- I cry a lot). I said I was just double checking to see if I had my purse and I would move in 1 second and he looked at me and shoved his pricelist in my face pointing at the 0-30min for R4 sign. That got to me. Where is empathy? Why are we so mean to each other. So I drove off.
I decided to go straight to the bank, parked outside and paid my R4. Went in was told that the bank couldn't help me because I didn't have my ID so I went at sat on the phone to cancel my cards (in the car). And then a policeman parked next to me, got out of his car, tapped on my windows and sternly told me to park straighter (I checked afterwards, I was skew but still within the parking space). But that upset me too. I mean here is an obviously distressed woman who looks like she wants to throw up and you are someone who is supposed to help and all you can worry about is the PARKING??? Seriously???
I then ran out of airtime (and obviously had no money or bank cards) so drove home to wait Brian. Because, it was obviously my day I got stuck in the worst traffic ever. I sat for 30 min at the offramp. Got home, phoned Brian and then got into bed for a nap because the day was not getting any better and now I have so much admin to do again. This is the second time in 4 months that I have had my purse stolen. I got my new drivers last month! And it is so much work.
Also I have such a fear of the traffic department- last time I was there I had the biggest anxiety attack ever. People were so unhelpful and no one cares. Yes, I know I am generalising and there are nice people who work in government departments. I have just never met one. Yes, I know people are overworked and that most people treat public servants badly. But it still upsets me because I think we should stand together more. There is so much crime so we can all understand how something small can make you feel upset. We have all been there. But instead I find that most people are selfish and don't want to know about your problems. Is it like this in other countries?
Sigh.
p.s. I had a really great weekend so I am feeling loads better! Just not particularly looking forward to the admin of replacing things.
I stopped on the side of the road to check if I even had my purse anymore (nope, it was gone) and a parking attendant yelled at me (even though by this point I was crying- I cry a lot). I said I was just double checking to see if I had my purse and I would move in 1 second and he looked at me and shoved his pricelist in my face pointing at the 0-30min for R4 sign. That got to me. Where is empathy? Why are we so mean to each other. So I drove off.
I decided to go straight to the bank, parked outside and paid my R4. Went in was told that the bank couldn't help me because I didn't have my ID so I went at sat on the phone to cancel my cards (in the car). And then a policeman parked next to me, got out of his car, tapped on my windows and sternly told me to park straighter (I checked afterwards, I was skew but still within the parking space). But that upset me too. I mean here is an obviously distressed woman who looks like she wants to throw up and you are someone who is supposed to help and all you can worry about is the PARKING??? Seriously???
I then ran out of airtime (and obviously had no money or bank cards) so drove home to wait Brian. Because, it was obviously my day I got stuck in the worst traffic ever. I sat for 30 min at the offramp. Got home, phoned Brian and then got into bed for a nap because the day was not getting any better and now I have so much admin to do again. This is the second time in 4 months that I have had my purse stolen. I got my new drivers last month! And it is so much work.
Also I have such a fear of the traffic department- last time I was there I had the biggest anxiety attack ever. People were so unhelpful and no one cares. Yes, I know I am generalising and there are nice people who work in government departments. I have just never met one. Yes, I know people are overworked and that most people treat public servants badly. But it still upsets me because I think we should stand together more. There is so much crime so we can all understand how something small can make you feel upset. We have all been there. But instead I find that most people are selfish and don't want to know about your problems. Is it like this in other countries?
Sigh.
p.s. I had a really great weekend so I am feeling loads better! Just not particularly looking forward to the admin of replacing things.
Friday, July 15, 2011
I need to start taking beautiful photos
I need more pictures. Indeed I do. At the blogger shindig there were so many beautiful camera's. It made me salivate. I don't know that much about camera's. I had my dad's old manual years ago and for a 12 year old I was good. Really. But it broke down and with all this digital-ness it is so easy to go automatic. I am going to make it a goal to learn to use my current camera properly. I got it for my birthday from Brian a few years ago and it really nice. Its a Kodak easyshare (I think).
It really helped for my MSc. I took pictures like this:
I was impressed with myself...
Anyway, I was looking for a photo for my twitter profile pic (yes, I joined the modern age finally) and I realised I don't have one picture of myself that is not a.) years old b.) with Brian or Savanah. Sheesh. I am a person on my own dammit! I need to fall in love with photos again.
It really helped for my MSc. I took pictures like this:
I was impressed with myself...
Anyway, I was looking for a photo for my twitter profile pic (yes, I joined the modern age finally) and I realised I don't have one picture of myself that is not a.) years old b.) with Brian or Savanah. Sheesh. I am a person on my own dammit! I need to fall in love with photos again.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
A confession
I am socially awkward and I wish I was different. Now don't go disagreeing with me. I am. And it sucks. My previous post was all about how awesome the blogger get together was. And it really was, but in that big crowd I couldn't think of ONE thing to say. It was awful. Part of it is just being shy- that I can get. But when everyone started chatting and relaxing I was practically catatonic in the corner. All I could think of were the proper social behaviour at a blogger event: like do I mention something that I know happened in your day (because I read it) or not? I don't know. And do I just wander around and introduce myself?
What's worse is that I feel I am getting worse with age. I have always been introverted. It has always been difficult to make friends. But a few years ago I had a handful of friends that I saw socially and enjoyed going out every once in a while. I think that how I act in social situations is related to who I am with. If I am out with people that know me and like me then my own perception of myself is positive. But if I am with people that don't know me (or worse, don't like me) then all my confidence flies out the window. I feel like some sort of shadow person. I only exist as people perceive. Not as myself. How sad is that? I am 26! I should be able to have a personality that is concrete- and not dependent on the social situation.
Half the problem is my lack of socialising.
This is a normal week for me:
1.) Arrive at work, say hi to colleague (quick hi, no chatting)
2.) Go down to manager (who is my boyfriend's mom) have a quick chat about work and the boyfriend (secretly because no one knows my boyfriend is her son)
3.) Blog
4.) Chat to Helen on gchat - she is writing up her PhD and so can't chat as often. Completely understandable.
5.) Wave good bye to colleagues as they leave office. Maybe say a few words about the weather.
6a.) Go to parents house, try not to fight with mom or dad, pick up sister, hear about school day, arrive home and say hi to the cat.
6b.) OR Arrive home alone and say hi to the cat
7.) Cook at eat
8.) Watch TV (if sister is there then chat to her or listen to her latest favourite song)
9.) Talk on skype to boyfriend
10.)Bath and go to sleep
And then repeat Monday to Friday. Weekends consist of staying as close as possible to boyfriend, watching PVRed shows and going to get muffins from woolworths
This is probably one of the most honest posts I have ever written because mostly I pretend that I am content. But I suppose, when I do put myself out there and when I am honest to myself,that I am lonely. And I need to do something about it.
I had a conversation with Helen now and I am going to try go out more (even if it detracts from weekend time with Brian- he will understand. I keep hoping that I will meet cool people at this new job. But I am also scared that even I meet cool people I will be to socially incapable to talk or anything. I think maybe I am stuck in the past. I keep waiting for it to change but its not going to. Sarah is not coming back from Japan (except on holiday) and we are not going spend all our time together and have breakfast at rosebank every saturday. I can't expect Helen to dump her PhD work during the week because I like to stay home on the weekends. Kate and Leigh are never going to sms/phone and apologise for hurting me and we are never going to be friends again. I need to move on from them. I need to do something to change how I feel because the friends I have now are awesome but I need to get out the house more and actually see them and I should try meet people. And go for coffee and movies or wine or sing karokee or go to quizz nights.
I suppose I should be proud of myself...I walked into the blogger get together by myself. And if I keep putting myself out there by going out then maybe the old and fun Vanessa will come back. The one in the 21st speeches: a mix between a mother hen and a party animal. I want that Vanessa back. I keep thinking of my favourite saying.
"Fear is the original sin" L.M. Montgomery
What's worse is that I feel I am getting worse with age. I have always been introverted. It has always been difficult to make friends. But a few years ago I had a handful of friends that I saw socially and enjoyed going out every once in a while. I think that how I act in social situations is related to who I am with. If I am out with people that know me and like me then my own perception of myself is positive. But if I am with people that don't know me (or worse, don't like me) then all my confidence flies out the window. I feel like some sort of shadow person. I only exist as people perceive. Not as myself. How sad is that? I am 26! I should be able to have a personality that is concrete- and not dependent on the social situation.
Half the problem is my lack of socialising.
This is a normal week for me:
1.) Arrive at work, say hi to colleague (quick hi, no chatting)
2.) Go down to manager (who is my boyfriend's mom) have a quick chat about work and the boyfriend (secretly because no one knows my boyfriend is her son)
3.) Blog
4.) Chat to Helen on gchat - she is writing up her PhD and so can't chat as often. Completely understandable.
5.) Wave good bye to colleagues as they leave office. Maybe say a few words about the weather.
6a.) Go to parents house, try not to fight with mom or dad, pick up sister, hear about school day, arrive home and say hi to the cat.
6b.) OR Arrive home alone and say hi to the cat
7.) Cook at eat
8.) Watch TV (if sister is there then chat to her or listen to her latest favourite song)
9.) Talk on skype to boyfriend
10.)Bath and go to sleep
And then repeat Monday to Friday. Weekends consist of staying as close as possible to boyfriend, watching PVRed shows and going to get muffins from woolworths
This is probably one of the most honest posts I have ever written because mostly I pretend that I am content. But I suppose, when I do put myself out there and when I am honest to myself,that I am lonely. And I need to do something about it.
I had a conversation with Helen now and I am going to try go out more (even if it detracts from weekend time with Brian- he will understand. I keep hoping that I will meet cool people at this new job. But I am also scared that even I meet cool people I will be to socially incapable to talk or anything. I think maybe I am stuck in the past. I keep waiting for it to change but its not going to. Sarah is not coming back from Japan (except on holiday) and we are not going spend all our time together and have breakfast at rosebank every saturday. I can't expect Helen to dump her PhD work during the week because I like to stay home on the weekends. Kate and Leigh are never going to sms/phone and apologise for hurting me and we are never going to be friends again. I need to move on from them. I need to do something to change how I feel because the friends I have now are awesome but I need to get out the house more and actually see them and I should try meet people. And go for coffee and movies or wine or sing karokee or go to quizz nights.
I suppose I should be proud of myself...I walked into the blogger get together by myself. And if I keep putting myself out there by going out then maybe the old and fun Vanessa will come back. The one in the 21st speeches: a mix between a mother hen and a party animal. I want that Vanessa back. I keep thinking of my favourite saying.
"Fear is the original sin" L.M. Montgomery
Blogger Get together Awesomeness!
Tash, Angie and Nicki organised a blogger get together and it rocked. I seriously wasn't expecting so many people!And the prizes were awesome.
I have also decided that I love Wolves Cafe A LOT! I mean, just look at those fairy lights. And they have live gigs every thursday and have a winter mixtapes which you can download from their site. I am in love.
Emma kindly said we could use her awesome pics!
You can see the back of my head here :)
People getting prizes...fun times.
This was seriously the best cupcake ever and they gave you a chocolate mostache with your hot chocolate. Mmmmm!
Did I mention fairy lights? I love fairy lights!
I have also decided that I love Wolves Cafe A LOT! I mean, just look at those fairy lights. And they have live gigs every thursday and have a winter mixtapes which you can download from their site. I am in love.
Emma kindly said we could use her awesome pics!
You can see the back of my head here :)
People getting prizes...fun times.
This was seriously the best cupcake ever and they gave you a chocolate mostache with your hot chocolate. Mmmmm!
Did I mention fairy lights? I love fairy lights!
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Craziness
I had a little 'crazy' moment on the weekend. I was sitting watching Guiliana and Bill - yes, I watch awful 'reality' shows- and they had just found out that their 2nd IVF didn't work. And I got so sad and then I got so worried that I was sad (hence the crazy part). It became incredibly important for me to talk to Brian about kids.
Now, we have spoken about having children before. But half the time I am so worried about the million mistakes I will make as a mother or how I might lose my relationship with Brian if I have a child so I am constantly saying that I don't want children. I think the sadness that I felt at watching people desperatly wanting a child came from the fear that because I say I don't want children now, I might never have one.
Brian isn't too keen for children- I think he gets very worried about the responsibility- and I got so scared that my comments about not wanting children may be lying to him and that one day he will feel 'tricked' into this relationship. None of this is rational. He knows me so well and we have discussed that I might want children. But on Saturday, it became such a big THING to me.
I sat him down and then while crying and apologising for being such an awful girlfriend told him that I might want kids one day. The look on his face...I think he was 1.) confused and 2.) confused. He said he knew that and then sat expectantly for what he thought would be the 'awful' part of my confession. When I said that was all, I think he was trying not to laugh, but as usual he said exactly the right thing to say and so now (well at least for the next few months), I know that how I feel at 26 may change and that it is okay not to make a decision now. Its a good feeling to know that he knows me so well. And that it is okay to be unsure about this stuff.
I still can't understand my mind though. What on earth possessed me to become seriously emotional while watching Guiliana and Bill???
Now, we have spoken about having children before. But half the time I am so worried about the million mistakes I will make as a mother or how I might lose my relationship with Brian if I have a child so I am constantly saying that I don't want children. I think the sadness that I felt at watching people desperatly wanting a child came from the fear that because I say I don't want children now, I might never have one.
Brian isn't too keen for children- I think he gets very worried about the responsibility- and I got so scared that my comments about not wanting children may be lying to him and that one day he will feel 'tricked' into this relationship. None of this is rational. He knows me so well and we have discussed that I might want children. But on Saturday, it became such a big THING to me.
I sat him down and then while crying and apologising for being such an awful girlfriend told him that I might want kids one day. The look on his face...I think he was 1.) confused and 2.) confused. He said he knew that and then sat expectantly for what he thought would be the 'awful' part of my confession. When I said that was all, I think he was trying not to laugh, but as usual he said exactly the right thing to say and so now (well at least for the next few months), I know that how I feel at 26 may change and that it is okay not to make a decision now. Its a good feeling to know that he knows me so well. And that it is okay to be unsure about this stuff.
I still can't understand my mind though. What on earth possessed me to become seriously emotional while watching Guiliana and Bill???
I love this song
From LYRICSMODE.COM lyrics archive
And I think she is so pretty...apparently she wrote this about a serial hearbreaker she once dated. I can't say that I have ever dated someone like that but I think we all know what heartbreak feels like. And to me something in the music gives me shivers. Maybe I am just a bit crazy???
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
Things that are worrying me...
At the moment there are quite a few things bothering me. My anxiety levels are completely up. I have been waking up earlier (worrying) and struggling to fall asleep (worrying) and I know there is a lot on my mind. I figure that maybe if I just list everything that maybe I can try deal with the issues worrying me instead of just feeling so anxious. So here goes.
1.) My MSc. corrections: I don't know if I am doing them 'right' and it bugs me that my supervisors don't seem to think that I did my best. There is always this little question that I rushed and I want them to acknowledge that I did a damn good dissertation. Also, my faculty seems to be unable to understand that I am missing some comments. I have finally got them to email the examiner to ask them for the missing comments but it is all taking so long.
2.) My new job: I want to finish my MSc. corrections before I start at the new job and that seems hopeless at the moment. I want to start getting prepared for the new job but they haven't sent me the induction material they promised.
3.) My sister: stuff at home is always difficult and so there is always worry about Savanah. Yesterday she couldn't sleep (she smsed at 12:15 to tell me). She went to watch "Something Borrowed" on Saturday. She said it was cute and when I asked her about the story she said (and I quote): "Its quite realistic as he was a cheating asshole". I don't want her to be so cynical and sad at 14. I don't want her to believe that love and marriage is not realistic. I just have no idea how to deal with it.
4.) Family: There are just so many issues at the moment and I feel like I kind of hid away from it all while I was in Harrismith. I know that when I go past my parents house tonight it will all come crashing down.
5.) My brother: He is currently not talking to me. I think he feels that he is having to deal with everything at home by himself. I wish we could just talk about it but he is angry at me. He thinks I don't contribute enough financially. When I refused to pay for half of the medical aid co-payment (I already pay for insurance etc.) he told me that he was going to cut me out of his life. I am so scared he means it. He can be hard. At the same time, I know I did the right thing. I have to have some boundaries and I am not angry with him. Its just all a crappy situation. But what if he never talks to me again? He got a promotion at work (my dad told me) and I smsed but he hasn't replied. Its just very scary.
6.) Money: I am going to get paid less at this new job till December. I will still have the same payments and its all going to be tight. At the same time, I have to stop procrastinating and get the student loan for my other brother. I am just so scared of having more debt. Brian manages to save quite a bit but its not my savings. I feel so vulnerable not being able to save. I don't want to suggest a holiday when he would have to pay for me. Equality is very important to me and money and debt are really getting me down.
7.) Work: I am so worried that as soon as I leave they are going to discover what a big fraud I am. I mentioned that I work for Brian's mom and she thinks I am wonderful. And despite all the blogging, I am up-to-date with everything. Still, I am so worried I won't have everything perfect when I hand over.
8.) Admin: I have to get another prescription for meds so I need to make a doctor's appointment; I have to change medical aids; I have to get the ADSL line at home fixed; I have email people and look after my sister and work on my masters and I just don't feel like I have enough energy at the moment.
All in all I am just stressed at the moment. Please tell me that it will all be fine.
Hope you guys aren't too stressed out!
1.) My MSc. corrections: I don't know if I am doing them 'right' and it bugs me that my supervisors don't seem to think that I did my best. There is always this little question that I rushed and I want them to acknowledge that I did a damn good dissertation. Also, my faculty seems to be unable to understand that I am missing some comments. I have finally got them to email the examiner to ask them for the missing comments but it is all taking so long.
2.) My new job: I want to finish my MSc. corrections before I start at the new job and that seems hopeless at the moment. I want to start getting prepared for the new job but they haven't sent me the induction material they promised.
3.) My sister: stuff at home is always difficult and so there is always worry about Savanah. Yesterday she couldn't sleep (she smsed at 12:15 to tell me). She went to watch "Something Borrowed" on Saturday. She said it was cute and when I asked her about the story she said (and I quote): "Its quite realistic as he was a cheating asshole". I don't want her to be so cynical and sad at 14. I don't want her to believe that love and marriage is not realistic. I just have no idea how to deal with it.
4.) Family: There are just so many issues at the moment and I feel like I kind of hid away from it all while I was in Harrismith. I know that when I go past my parents house tonight it will all come crashing down.
5.) My brother: He is currently not talking to me. I think he feels that he is having to deal with everything at home by himself. I wish we could just talk about it but he is angry at me. He thinks I don't contribute enough financially. When I refused to pay for half of the medical aid co-payment (I already pay for insurance etc.) he told me that he was going to cut me out of his life. I am so scared he means it. He can be hard. At the same time, I know I did the right thing. I have to have some boundaries and I am not angry with him. Its just all a crappy situation. But what if he never talks to me again? He got a promotion at work (my dad told me) and I smsed but he hasn't replied. Its just very scary.
6.) Money: I am going to get paid less at this new job till December. I will still have the same payments and its all going to be tight. At the same time, I have to stop procrastinating and get the student loan for my other brother. I am just so scared of having more debt. Brian manages to save quite a bit but its not my savings. I feel so vulnerable not being able to save. I don't want to suggest a holiday when he would have to pay for me. Equality is very important to me and money and debt are really getting me down.
7.) Work: I am so worried that as soon as I leave they are going to discover what a big fraud I am. I mentioned that I work for Brian's mom and she thinks I am wonderful. And despite all the blogging, I am up-to-date with everything. Still, I am so worried I won't have everything perfect when I hand over.
8.) Admin: I have to get another prescription for meds so I need to make a doctor's appointment; I have to change medical aids; I have to get the ADSL line at home fixed; I have email people and look after my sister and work on my masters and I just don't feel like I have enough energy at the moment.
All in all I am just stressed at the moment. Please tell me that it will all be fine.
Hope you guys aren't too stressed out!
So everyone else goes on holiday to exotic places
Like this:
And me...I got to go to HARRISMITH. Yip. Harrismith. Fun times.
It was cold and I stayed in bed most days and worked on my MSc. corrections. I also completely enjoyed doing dutiful girlfriend tasks. Like packing a lunch for Brian and cooking dinner for the both of us. I can't wait for his contract to be up so that we actually get to spend the weekday evenings together. It was his birthday too. He wouldn't let me buy him anything more than biltong but I wanted to make it special so I bought cupcakes and candles but then there were NO matches so he had an unlit candles to blow out (oops). It was so easy to get into a routine. I want routine that doesn't involve yelling at my computer or the universe in general when skype can't deal with life. Sigh.
Anyway, its back to work now. The students are back and all the staff know I am leaving which is awkward. I have to make sure everything is organised before I leave and I feeling pretty anxious at the moment, to be honest. I couldn't fall asleep last night. That NEVER happens. I can always sleep. Oh well. Change is always scary.
And me...I got to go to HARRISMITH. Yip. Harrismith. Fun times.
It was cold and I stayed in bed most days and worked on my MSc. corrections. I also completely enjoyed doing dutiful girlfriend tasks. Like packing a lunch for Brian and cooking dinner for the both of us. I can't wait for his contract to be up so that we actually get to spend the weekday evenings together. It was his birthday too. He wouldn't let me buy him anything more than biltong but I wanted to make it special so I bought cupcakes and candles but then there were NO matches so he had an unlit candles to blow out (oops). It was so easy to get into a routine. I want routine that doesn't involve yelling at my computer or the universe in general when skype can't deal with life. Sigh.
Anyway, its back to work now. The students are back and all the staff know I am leaving which is awkward. I have to make sure everything is organised before I leave and I feeling pretty anxious at the moment, to be honest. I couldn't fall asleep last night. That NEVER happens. I can always sleep. Oh well. Change is always scary.
Friday, July 1, 2011
From my sister (because she loves me)
Is this not the sweetest, most gorgeous message? With the networks down I didn't get her smses which made her worry. Really. I couldn't love her anymore than I do.
"Dear my awesomest of sisters :)
I'm doing that thing where I stress about you to the extent that I cannot take my afternoon nap :O now that's bad...
I wanted to tell you I don't know when I can come to your house cause saturday is erin grants sleepover so that will count sunday out as well and I don't know when it starts or anything. I didn't know if I was gonna see you before you go with big b..
Please phone
Really am stressing now that you haven't
Love you:)"
"Dear my awesomest of sisters :)
I'm doing that thing where I stress about you to the extent that I cannot take my afternoon nap :O now that's bad...
I wanted to tell you I don't know when I can come to your house cause saturday is erin grants sleepover so that will count sunday out as well and I don't know when it starts or anything. I didn't know if I was gonna see you before you go with big b..
Please phone
Really am stressing now that you haven't
Love you:)"
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