2011 remembered

I am feeling sad thoughtful annoyed today. There are lots of reasons I suppose: relationships not always living up to expectations, holidays not lasting long enough, prayers not answered. Also my house is a mess which always annoys me. And the thought that in a week Brian will be off back to work in Harrismith and I'll be back to my half single-half not existence is annoying. I don't want to start 2012 annoyed. I want to exorcise my demons so that I am light and happy for 2012. Besides, I never like odd years. I always expect bad things from odd years but even years always seem happier. Even if the said even year will be the end of the world (I would be seriously annoyed if that was the case). So anyway, here because I like lists I am going to list the good and the bad of 2011.

Its pretty personal, but ya, don't read it if you don't want to. Either way.

The Good:

1.) I handed in my MSc.
2.) I have a great relationship with my boyfriend
3.) I got a job at an environmental consultancy
4.) I bought a new car
5.) I live in the cutest little place
6.) I have the most awesome-est sister in the world
7.) I got over my f#@kwit "friends" FINALLY.
8.) I started going to a therapist and feel like I am in control of my depression
9.) I lost 8kg in 5 months (only 12kg to go)
10) I decreased my medication and have been doing okay
11) I discovered strawberries in Champagne and caramel vodka. Seriously good stuff.
12) I went to a wedding where the groom sang Brino Mars' 'Just the way you are' to the bride. I don't know, it kind of restored my faith in marriage. It was just so cute.
13) I saw my friend from Japan
14) I maintained my relationship with the awesome helen
15) I worked hard at my new job and they think I am wonderful
16) Brian still thinks I am wonderful
17) Savanah still thinks I am wonderful
18) I finally bought some plants for my garden and some stepping stones which make me happy
19) I finally joined the grown up ranks and had a pap smear and check my breasts for lumps. And I appear healthy.
20) I have only had 3 panic attacks this year.

The bad:

1.) I didn't finish my MSc corrections
2.) My boyfriend still spent the whole of the year working in Harrismith
3.) Working 70 hour weeks kills me
4.) I spend a shitload of money each month on a car and then bumped it into a pillar after 5 months
5.) My life mainly consists of work, home, food, tv, bath, sleep.
6.) My family still has the power to stress me out
7.) My dad had an affair and destroyed a lot of my ideals
8.) My mom has been hospitalised twice this year for depression.
9.) Being hospitalised appears to makes no difference
10) We now have to hide her medicication since she had taken small overdoses twice in the last month. She passed out on my brothers birthday.
11) I have realised that she will never be my 'mother' - I have been and will always be looking after her.
12) I have taken a student loan for my brother- more debt. yay.
13) My sister is so cynical and there is nothing I can do to fix it
14) My family is so broken and there is nothing I can do to fix it
15) I have four friends: brian, savanah, helen and sarah. Two don't count because they are family/boyfriend and one lives a million miles away. I think I am coming to terms with the fact that I will never have a bustling friendship circle.
16) I have come to terms with the fact I will not travel. Its too expensive and I would prefer a house and a dog
17) I have come to terms with the fact that the 'house' I dream of will be a complex unit and I will (maybe) be able to have one small dog
18) I didn't exercise like I wanted too
19) I didn't save like I wanted too
20) I am still so overwhelmed by life and I didn't find some magic manual to tells me how to fix everything

Things I want to change next year:

1) I want to start/join a bookclub. I need books and wine at least once a month
2) I want to save some money
3) Brian must get a job in Joburg
4) I must become less overwhelmed by my family

Things I want to stay the same

1) I want to keep working hard at my job
2) I want to continue having a good relationship with my sister
3) I want to continue having a good relationship with Brian
4) Savanah stays as wonderful as she is currently

Things I want to magically change (but need a fairy godmother or an angel to help)

1) My mom grows up, gets a job, learns to drive and can take care of herself
2) My dad gets a stable job and either works on his marriage or gets a divorce
3) My brother starts talking to my dad again
4) Brians mom's eyes get better
5) My saving account magically fills up
6) I buy new clothes for myself and throw out nearly all my current clothes as all are about 5 years old
7) Brian and I buy a house and rescue two dogs (a husky and a border collie)
8) My salary triples
9) My workload stays the same
10) My grandfather stops aging
11) Sarah and Nomu find brilliant jobs here in joburg. They make lots of money and both of them are happy. And we go for breakfast every saturday morning.
12) I never feel guilty again
13) Brian and I go on a cruise in Alaska
14) I stop procrastinating
15) Magically brian becomes more touchy feely
16) Magically I stop being emotional and overwhelmed
17) The petrol price goes down
18) The newspapers stop reporting on corruption because there is NONE
19) People smile at each other in the traffic
20) There is no traffic, or war, or poverty or disease

The End.

Let's Talk About The Good Times Only

A lot of things are happening at the moment and I am pretty overwhelmed by it all. I am trying to focus on me at the moment. I am trying to learn to be happy even when there are crappy times. I think I am doing an okay job.

Here are some of the happy happy times from this holiday, so far. We went to a beautiful wedding in the Natal Midlands and my friend Sarah is visiting from Japan. At the same time that my friend Laura is visiting from the UK. Yay! And I had Brian's family over for Christmas Eve. And I cooked Gammon. And no one got sick.

Brian and I at his friend, Greg's wedding.

How cute is this chapel? I love it!

Brian's friends are nutters!

Mmmmn...so hot :)

The girlfriends of the nutters (actually, girlfriend (me), fiance (Jax) and wife (Gen))

Me and hillock, the nuttiest nutter of them all.

Brian and Sarah underneath my "Japanese Couples umbrella' christmas present (from sarah)

Sarah and Me

Me and Sarah, Laura and Helen (how pretty do they all look?)

My pretty patio all ready for Christmas Eve

These lights were supposed to be only for christmas but I love them so I am not taking them down and no one can make me ;)

Black Tuesday

More than anything I am disappointed. This country has so much promise, yet we will throw it all away. Not a good day.

I need to have this tattooed to my forehead so I don't forget

I don't think I have ever read something more applicable to me. Half my problems come from not knowing me or feeling guilty for wanting anything for myself.

Things I know right now

1.) Ummm....Not much
2.) Happiness is a choice - washing the dishes can make you happy if you have had a really crappy week.
3.) Moving the old couch outside to use as patio furniture was a brilliant idea.
4.) Drinking a 1/2 glass of wine (its a big glass) and relaxing for the 1st time this week does not make me an alchoholic.
5.) I love this song

Nobody said it would be easy

I have 'The Scientist' by Coldplay in my head.

"Nobody said it would be easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start"

I don't even know where to start. But I think I need to get some of it out. Which feels quite selfish. I haven't been blogging often and then things go pear shaped and I need to tell the cyber world.

Its my parents...things haven't been great between them for awhile. What is that stat? One in two marriages end in divorce??? Something like that. My parents aren't even getting a divorce. My father has just forgotten all the stuff he taught us about life and respect. He has effectively broken my heart. I can't lie. I have always been somewhat of a daddy's girl. We all are to a certain extent. And my mom is just so emotional and needy. I have always had to look after her so that bond with my dad was a nice relief.

But then I grew up, I moved out and I didn't have long chats about everything with him any more. I was disappointed with the way he handled my depression and I just didn't have the emotional energy for my family's crap all the time. So I withdrew. I am still withdrawn from everyone but Savanah. I am not proud of this. I think its just a defense. My role in my family was always the practical 'fixer'. I fix things. But as you get older the problems that you cant fix just increase and increase. They become so overwhelming. And I don't know how to turn of the automatic 'must-fix' tendancy so I just tried to leave the problems alone.

And now they have just come crashing down. The worst part of it is that all my life I have tried to stay neutral. Never pick sides. Love my parents equally and now they have forced me to choose. My dad's actions and my mom's weakness and forced the decision. A decision I have feared all my life. A decision that leaves me taking a million phone calls from my mom and none from my dad.

I can't even tell them how much I am hurting because right now, its about them. It feels that it has always been about them. My mom, the victim, weak and depressed and completetly dependent and my dad, stubborn and hard "my way or the high way", domineering.

Maybe, this is awful to say, but I don't always expect the best from my mom. She is childish and selfish and so dependent and I have tried to help her. To organise doctors and therapy but she wants me to do it all and I can't. I want her to take some responsibility and take action. And she doesn't.

I don't always expect the best from my dad, either. He can be controlling and has a bad temper. But I feel he taught me about doing the right thing, even when that is hard. About being strong. And now I feel he is going against everything he taught me. Like it was all a lie.

I want them to be happy and I can see that they are not happy. But, the way they have both acted. It takes away my belief in them. And that just makes me feel small and alone. They don't even know it. I have this overwhelming need to be strong so I can't or won't even tell them. Besides, it would make no difference. I keep having nightmares of christmas day and my wedding and other family occassions. I just don't know how things will be from now on.

And over and over I keep thinking, how could he do this? I expected more from him. From her, it was surprising but less of a shock. But from him? You never stop being a child when it comes to your parents. Its just so sad that my parents have never really thought of me as the child.

I want to believe that Brian and I will be different. But why would we be? My parents didn't imagine this life for themselves when they said "I do". Why would I be different. This is why I should never have children. No marriage really survives children. Maybe they would have been okay if I didn't come so quickly. guilt for being born. Awesome.

I have just lost all faith. My dad took that away from me. He broke my heart. And my mom, she just want me to turn into some robot/miracle worker. Who I am and what I feel doesn't matter. They don't even know me anymore. I hate them for it. But of course, I don't hate them. That would be easier.

'No one ever said it would be this hard"

This week...

HAS BEEN HECTIC!

Seriously! Too tired to even write paragraphs:


1.) Driving to Rustenburg for a meeting is tiring. Its a long drive.
2.) Exercise endorphins are real. After outdoor bootcamp with Helen I was on such a high.
3.) I am so unfit.
4.) I can hardly walk now because of outdoor bootcamp. I blame Helen.
5.) Working till 8pm and then bumping my 6 month old car into a concrete pillar in the parking lot. There were lots of tears. Epic Fail.
6.) Meeting with scary project manager of doom on friday morning went well. Having no lunch and having to borrow money for takeout from boss not so great.
7.) I am going to become a Visual Impact Assessment specialist. Apparently. Hmmmm...well, thats my company's plan.
8.) Savanah has a boyfriend that is 3 years older than her. Its all official on facebook now. It worries me. I don't trust 17 year old boys. But I trust Savanah.
9.) Brian bought a new tv stand and coffee table last weekend. It will be delivered next week. Its so pretty. I am very ready to get rid of my hand me down tv stand and coffee table.
10.) COLDPLAY tonight. So excited. The biggest concert I have ever seen was Meatloaf when I was 10.

I planned a long post but then read blogs instead...

So you will all have to hear my random ramblings another time. Wow! I am tired.

p.s. Tomorrow is Wednesday - the half way mark and soon it will be Friday and the weekend. Yay.


p.s.2. Does anyone have a dog I can borrow on Sundays so I can take him/her for a walk? Brian and I go for a walk at this gorgeous park and I get so jealous of all the people with their beautiful dogs.

p.s.3. How CUTE is this???

Ryan's awesome 21st!

I just have to add some pictures from last night. I had such a fun time. And I'm so proud of my little brother. It was also great to see Russel (my other brother) who flew in from Cape Town.

The theme was "Come as you were" - which caused some confusion but basically means come as someone you could have been in a past life. My brother is odd sometimes ;) Everybody dressed up and looked so gorgeous and fun. Really an awesome night. His girlfriend did so much to organise it. I am so happy that he has someone like that in his life.

Brian - he made me laugh the whole night. Wow. Awesomeness.

Ryan - An Officer and a Gentleman!

Me and my spanish dancer/assassin (she stole Brian's sheriff's gun and pretended to be an assassin all night)

Me and Rus - he looked like Darcy in Pride and Prejudice. :)

Some of Ryan's friends

I love both of these costumes!

Me and Brian - love him so much!

Ryan and his princess Julie.

Me and my brood! :)

Ryan- Almost 21 years of awesomeness

My brother's 21st birthday party is tomorrow and I am saying a speech. Eek. I have so many things I want to say but my mind is all tired and befuddled. I was looking at pictures of him and he was just so darn cute.

He was quite sick as a baby - he was in hospital nearly every month with pneumonia. Sometimes he would be admitted for 3-4 weeks at a time. His doctor just kept saying it was asthma and the tests for cystic fibrosis kept coming back negative (thank goodness) but they kept testing because it was the most logical answer.

Eventually, the doctor admitted that he didn't know (after 5 years) and referred him to a paediatric pulmonologist, Dr. Richards. He is absolutely awesome. He finally diagnosed Ryan with an immune defficiency which lead to him getting sick so often that a part of his lung was destroyed. At one point they were even contemplating surgery but then with the help of medicine for the immune problem, Ryan got better and better.

He is now healthier than I am and 100times more active

One good thing from being so ill is that Ryan learnt to fight...sometimes, it drives me mad but he will fight for something or someone he believes in and he is no quitter. And he loves. He and his girlfriend, Julie have been together for nearly 3 years and he treats her like a princess. He also looks out for our little sister (and spends half his time bugging her too!)

Ryan, recently got a scooter which scares the life out of me. I don't like it but he loves being able to get places. A lot of his friends have given him some trouble about having a 'girly' scooter but he just laughed. He has even named it Fernando (because he says its italian).

He has really grown up into such a great man. I can't believe it actually. I remember reading on the couch with him snuggled next to me all afternoon. I used to bath him (yes, at six!) and I was the one who carried him inside when he broke his arm at 2 (a motorbike accident on one of those little plastic bikes). I am just so proud of him...

And he is so good looking (I am his sister so I can brag) :)

Love this!

Saw this here and really love it!

Its so pretty and true.

Happy Birthday to me!

Have I ever mentioned that I love birthdays? Well do!

I suppose now I should worry about getting older but it doesn't really phase me. Mainly since I am just happy in my life at the moment. I don't feel particularly grown up most days. In fact, I feel that I am learning most of the time. Maybe its because I feel 16 in my head. Its hard to worry when you still think like a 16 year old ;)

I was so totally spoilt this MONTH (I've had a birthday month- a day is not enough :p). I got my laptop, I started a new job, I got a great new haircut and a Este Laude gift set from Brian's mom. And flowers from Brian. That he arranged himself...he was very proud. He also wrote me the most beautiful message in my birthday card. I am not showing off. Well, maybe a little. But not in a mean way. It so easy to get used to how awesome he is but when I brag about the little things he does it reminds me how looked after and loved I am. I am seriously lucky.

Did I mention he took the day off work so he would be here with me? Yip, he did and then he vacuumed and washed the floor. And we're going out for sushi now. Mmmmmnnnnn! Exciting.

Anyway, have a great day people! :)

p.s. Have you seen the Michael Bolton song about Captain Jack Sparrow. So SO ODD! It makes me laugh.



p.s. 2 I was travelling around the Eastern and Northern Cape last week. Its so beautiful! We were there for work (looking at the P.E. mainline railway) so most of my pictures involve railway tracks or plants. But I think this one is pretty.

Feel good Fridays

Its Friday...enough said :)

Catching up

I am cuddled nicely in bed and I decided to catch up on some blog reading. Boy, did I miss you guys! Its so nice to read about people's day to day lives and share their joys (and sadness). I suppose it makes us feel connected.

On two of the blogs I read today, people had left nasty comments about the content of the blog. It was so odd. I mean, if I don't like something I read...I don't read it. Why bother to read about someone you don't like AND THEN TELL THEM ABOUT IT! Methinks they just want the attention. So annoying.

In other news: My one friend from school is engaged. I am surprised/happy/nostalgic/hurt/sad all at once because I saw this on facebook and I have never met the guy. I wish that it was as easy for me as it was for her to cut me out of her life.

I have been grappling with some of my issues with the psychologist lately and I think sometimes I focus on all the rubbish that happens in my family because it distracts from all the rubbish that goes on inside my head. I was so shocked to discover exactly how low my self esteem is (apparently, I have managed to hide that from myself). I spend so much time thinking "what is wrong with me...why don't they like me?" That I didn't realise how my whole persona is geared towards trying to make sure people like me. I give what I think people want. And that never works out because the people who want a mindless puppet as a friend will eventually grow bored and the people who want someone real, never get the chance to know you.

All I can say is the inside of my head is an odd place. That said. I am actually quite happy at the moment. And tomorrow is Friday which means my boy will be home. Yay.

Have a great weekend people.



p.s. How awesome is this?

Whoosh

The sound that time makes when it flies past. Whoosh!

I can't believe that it is the middle of August. I can't believe that I have been at my new job for 16 days. I can't believe I will be 27 at the end of the month. I can't believe that Brian and I will have been together for 5 years on 5 September. Time really does fly.

And when you're busy, days go so much faster. And I am soooo busy. I have two projects at work at the moment (they're going easy on me- most people have 5 or 6). One of the projects is more research based while the other one is more the typical environmental application stuff. It is so scary and such a learning curve. Since I started I have gone to two meetings at Transnet, had a telephone interview with someone from the Durban muncipality. I met the senior researcher at the South African Human Rights Commission. And I have three more meetings this week. Then next week I jet off to Port Elisabeth for a site visit. Pretty cool. I am excited and scared. But mainly excited.

I also received:
1 x bright yellow construction jacket
1 x bright yellow construction vest
1 x blue helmet
1 pair of construction boots

I kind of feel like a kid playing dress up. I suppose that being an adult just means you're old enough to do what you want but instead have to do what you must. But its pretty cool now because doing what I want is pretty close to doing what I must. I mean I get to sleep half an hour later, still get to work early and I am enjoying coming home mentally tired.

One hundred posts!

Wow! Its my 100th post today. Yay! I am writing this in bed, waiting to skype with Brian and Savanah is watching Glee in the lounge. Its been a good day. I am tired but good tired. And tomorrow is FRIDAY! That makes me happy.

By the way, I just love Glee. Seriously, Savanah and cried ourselves through episode 3. It must have been quite a funny sight - both of us, on opposite ends of the couch, holding hands with tears running down our cheeks. But it was good crying. Some things are just so beautiful.

Like this.



I love it.

I was brave today

I am embarrased to admit this but I am 26 years old and today I visited a gynaecologist for the first time today. The FIRST time. I can’t believe I have managed to put it off for so long but at least I have managed to get there. Apparently, I have a beauitiful uterus (whatever that means?)

I am also very sad because I found out today that I am 5kgs more than I thought Iwas which means I have about 20kgs to lose and I don’t know where to start. I don’t really eat much so it confuses me.

Hmmm…so in other news I got a new laptop. Brian got it for my birthday (well, a month early) so I am very lucky and very spoilt and I am so enjoying having a computer that is not failing all the time.

Hello people, I have missed you.

Wow! I am tired. I think more emotionally tired than physically tired, to tell the truth. A new job will do that. Fear and excitement and all that jazz. But I am good. I think I need to have job where I need to try. I need deadlines and fear. Not that people haven't been lovely. They have. I even got a woolworths gift card and a welcome tea. And everyone seems excited to work with me.

Hope you are all having a great week!

Sarah has the best taste in music

My friend Sarah has the best taste in music. I love this so I reblogged it from her. I am not quite sure what the message is but what the hell...




Anyway, happy friday peeps! Have an awesome weekend!

Happiness is

Lying in bed with the electric blanket on and reading next to your most gorgeous sister (also reading) and the cat. Add some Milo to the mix and its heaven.

What is normal anyway?

I was very surprised when I went to go visit my psychiatrist today. I made the appointment mainly to top up my script but I had to cancel yesterday because I ran late. I should've planned it better yesterday but it was my last day and everyone was saying good bye. I didn't think much of it. Today, when arrived for the appointment Dr. S suggested we look at attention deficit disorder as a possibility. I was in shock. Its so not me. Its the opposite of how I perceive myself but I did read a bit about it and some of it fits. A few sentences from here jumped out at me.

Like:

Alternately, you may have been able to compensate for the symptoms of ADD/ADHD when you were young, only to run into problems as your responsibilities increase. The more balls you’re trying to keep in the air—pursuing a career, raising a family, running a household—the greater the demand on your abilities to organize, focus, and remain calm. This can be challenging for anyone, but if you have ADD/ADHD, it can feel downright impossible.



Zoning out” without realizing it, even in the middle of a conversation.


Hyperfocus is actually a coping mechanism for distraction—a way of tuning out the chaos. It can be so strong that you become oblivious to everything going on around you. For example, you may be so engrossed in a book, a TV show, or your computer that you completely lose track of time and neglect the things you’re supposed to be doing. Hyperfocus can be an asset when channeled into productive activities, but it can also lead to work and relationship problems if left unchecked.

Poor organizational skills (home, office, desk, or car is extremely messy and cluttered)

Tendency to procrastinate

Chronic lateness

Underestimating the time it will take you to complete tasks

Sense of underachievement

Easily flustered and stressed out

Irritability or mood swings

Trouble staying motivated

Low self-esteem and sense of insecurity

Feelings of inner restlessness, agitation

Racing thoughts

Trouble sitting still; constant fidgeting

Now I am not saying I have all of these at the same time or even in one day. But I feel like that sometimes. But don't we all? Seriously, if you grow up in a loud house isn't it normal to develop the ability to tune out people/tv etc. while you read? And anxiety can account for constant fidgeting. And who doesn't feel inadequate sometimes?

I am disorganised sometimes but I finish things. I zone out but I am on medication which aims to make my brain work slower. I suffer from depression so half the self esteem issues fit into that too. Its just all so confusing. I am not keen to take more medication but I also don't want to fight a diagnosis that may help me. Still, it all sounds a little of a thumb suck. That said, Dr. S didn't change my medication. He says we will discuss it again.

Wordless Wednesday

HAHA! I so did it!

Learning to listen

I am a good listener in a lot of ways. I pay attention to what you are saying, I emphasize and I care but lately I have realised that if I hear a problem my immediate reaction is to try and fix it. I try come up with a solution. I am very pragmatic about the problem. I think it is my way of feeling less powerless.

This is a problem because not all issues have solutions and I am so focused on trying to fix it that I feel anxious and angry when I can't. I think this especially comes out with my family because there are so many problems I can't fix and I feel that there is a lot of pressure to fix them.

Last night my mom phoned me to tell me of yet another problem. I think, to be honest, that she just wanted to talk. But although I tried I didn't manage to just sit and listen. I was angry because the past two weeks I have felt crap and this is the first phone call I had and it was only to cry on my shoulder. It made me even more convinced that the only reason I was called was to fix it. Like my worth is only a good as my ability to make things okay. And I can't make it all okay. So I got angry.

How do I coach myself to take a step back and just listen without feeling the pressure of the situation on my shoulders? I know I think too much. My brain whirrs on trying to fix it. How do I turn it off? Do other people feel like this? Or if you are a good listener, how do you just listen without becoming so involved? These are things I am trying to figure out. I think that its vital for me to learn but I need to know where to start.

Here's to the future

I am in a very positive mood today...I am excited about my new job and about the new era in my life. So this is more of a reminder to myself that even though things sometimes get tough, there is always a light at the end of a tunnel. I love all these quotes. Hope you do too?

N3 highway closed due to snow

N3 highway closed due to snow: "The N3 highway between Gauteng and KwaZulu-Natal has been closed right across the Free State due to icy weather and snow."

My poor boy is stranded without electricity and his car is snowed in and the roads are closed. We are really unprepared for bad weather in SA.

Its snowing in Harrismith

See? Exciting, hey?

Brian sent me this picture this morning but it snowed from last night. Its so pretty. Even Brian is excited about it (he phoned me last night to tell me about it). Shame, the guest house he stays at has no power and so he can't really do much work on his laptop before the battery dies so its a bit of a wasted day. I am, of course, hoping that it will keep snowing and so his company will send him home for the rest of the week. Sigh. Its worth hoping for, right?

Gross

Yes, call it gross or yuck or whatever you want but being a woman sucks sometimes. Every other woman out there will know what I mean and any guy will probably pretend not to.

Next Monday I will be starting at my new job

This is scary and exciting. More exciting at the moment. Tomorrow is my last day at the current job and then I have 3 days off to work on my MSc. corrections and pre-induction work. I am really looking forward to finishing up at that the current job. Its not a bad place but its hard to concentrate on working when you're finishing up...ummm...I don't really know how to explain it except that part of me has left already so it feels odd.

So basically today and tomorrow I am waiting. But I am cool with that. Its going to be a good week.

Its Friday!!! :)

I am in such a good mood. Yay! Its Friday and ABSA are sending me flowers (long story but I love flowers). And Brian drove me to work and is picking me up so that I could have a break from driving (he had a meeting yesterday so he is back early). Isn't he wonderful?

Yesterday, Savanah came to sleep over. She wrote me a letter during maths (although she assures me she had finished her work). She was confiding in me about a boy and telling me about her day. I feel so lucky to have such a wonderful relationship with her. I sometimes wonder if I could love her more if she was my daughter. I don't think so. She hit her head when she was 2 and my dad didn't have money to take her to emergency and they didn't want to go to Joburg gen at night. I was so worried about concussion that I stayed up the whole night and checked her every half an hour. I have kissed her sores better and cut up her food for her. I bathed her every night when she was little and base life decisions on her (i.e. Not looking for jobs in Cape Town). I love it when she talks and talks and talks and tells me every detail about her day at school and although I think she was the cutest baby ever, I love her at every age. I really can't imagine loving her more.

Anyway, that was off track...

So we watched Glee (I LOVE GLEE!) so glad its back on and Savanah and Brian had a long conversation about her music. She approves of his taste and then they ganged up on me and mocked my taste in music. It was such a lovely evening.

And tomorrow Brian, Savanah, Cathy and I are off to watch Harry Potter. I am currently tiding up my desk at work and throwing away a rainforest of paper. It feels good to be getting all sorted here. Soon it will be my new job and I am excited for that.

Hope you all have wonderful weekends. What are you doing?

26 things to do before I am 27

Saw this on Tash's blog so I am jumping on the bandwagon, mainly because I love lists and also because its like a month to my birthday so...why not!

1.) Get my hair cut
2.) Buy some new make up.
3.) Finish all my pre-induction reading
4.) Lose 20 kg's (okay so that may be a little far fetched- so maybe go on a diet)
5.) Pack up my office
6.) Go to my first gynae appointment without crying and/or cancelling (you wouldn't say I was 26, right?)
7.) Finish my MSc. corrections
8.) Book my Urban bootcamp month of pain and torture
9.) Get a student loan for my brother, Ryan
10) Pick up some books from the herbarium
11) Finally meet up with a friend so I can get my favourite book in the world back from her
12) Throw out all the stupid files of BSc. undergrad subjects that are taking up space in my tiny apartment
13) Go out for drinks on the weekend more often
14) Go horse riding
15) Change medical aids
16) Change banks
17) Have a hissy fit at ABSA to get my R1000 back
18) See my psychiatrist and renew my script
19) Turn the mattress over
20) Vacuum under the bed and couch
21) Organise a group of people to go eat sushi with (I am craving sushi!)
22) Take Sav (my sister) and Cas (Brian's sister) to watch Harry Potter
23) Defrost the fridge
24) Straighten my hair and leave it down more often
25) Go for walks on the weekend
26) Be talkative and friendly at my new job!!!

I think I might have figured it out

The last few weeks have been very difficult for me. I have been so emotional. I get so angry and want to drive into cars on the road (scary, hey?) and then so sad that I cry for hours. And during the day my insides feel raw from all the anxiety (sorry for the brutally honest post). Half the time I am so tired of it all that I just want to sleep.

But more than anything I am upset that I feel like this. It was a month ago that I felt that I had finally 'come out of the forest' with my depression. I felt that it was under control. I accepted that I still needed to take the medication but I was proud that I had managed to cut down the tranquilisers by so much (over a very very long time). So to be hit down after feeling that I was in a good place shook a lot of my confidence. Especially since I don't really know why.

The stress I have hasn't really changed. My family is still the same but they have been like that for awhile and I thought I had dealt with my friend issue demons. I have a new job to look forward too and I just have to finish my corrections and then I will have a MSc. The only thing I can think about is that somehow, in visiting Brian is Harrismith, I became a sad and terrified baby.

The thing is, right from the beginning Brian and I spent all I time together. We were finishing our Honours in the same department when we started going out and then spent the next two years working in the same office seeing each other every day and every night. It was never too much. Although we were together at work, we both were concentrating on our own work so it was 'independent togetherness', I suppose.

Things had to change eventually. Brian finished his MSc. on time and I did not so he got a part time job while he looked for full time environmental options. A few months later he was offered a job as an environmental control officer. We new he would have to live in Harrismith but we were lucky. The project moved slowly and so first he commuted to Heidelberg and only after a year did he move to Harrismith. It was nice having a transitional period and I have always been quite proud that I have handled a semi long distance relationship well. I feel that I have been supportive and accepting and I think Brian thinks I have been too.

I think the problem is that I put a time limit on it in my head. It was only going to last till December 2010. And then it was stretched till May 2011 and now December 2011. I have taken this all in my stride but going to Harrismith and actually spending evenings together was a stark contrast to what I have in Joburg. I have a very 'tick-the-box' type mind. And so now I have finished my MSc. and I have found my environmental job and we have our little place, I think that I am tired of having this 'half-life'. I am tired of waiting and I am lonely too. Before I was so stressed about the MSc., so worried about my family, so unhappy with my job that I didn't have time to wish for more but I think that by feeling better that I finally made space to acknowledge the toll that this long distance thing is having on me.

And so I think I have finally figured it out. Now, I have to try persuade my worrier mind that all is not bad in the world. It is only till December and its July already and I will be busy with my new job and I know I am going to meet some nice people and it will be good. For me, working out the problem is half the solution so I apologise for this long winded post but I definitely feel better than I have in weeks.

One thing you didn't know about me

When I was five my dad surprised me one Saturday by taking me horse riding. We were going to Golden Gate later that year and my dad wanted to me to go on a ride but he also wanted me to have enough skills to cope.

It was the most wonderful day and I never ever ever went back to ballet (I hated ballet). Horse riding on the other hand, was one of my favourite things. I dreamt about horses, read horse books and counted the seconds until my Saturday morning horse ride.

I am thinking of asking Brian for horse riding lessons for my birthday. I miss it and maybe it would help me feel better. Feel powerful and in control? I don't know...its an idea. I finally managed to fall asleep yesterday by imagining myself on an outride. It was so relaxing.

How beautiful is this horse?