When I was a little girl

I spent hours reading this pretty picture book

And I always wanted a cat. I wanted a companion who would cuddle up next to me; a quiet friend. I wanted to fall asleep next to a soft purring body and watch a little kitten pounce. The problem was my dad and brothers were allergic to cats so although my dad loves animals, a cat was out of the question. Until 7 years ago. My mom came home with a little bundle. She had walked past a pet store and they were giving kittens away. And she got one for me.

Now if you knew my mom, you would know that this was the most surprising part. My mom is not the 'animal person' in the family. She loves the dogs we had and she was the person who did all the work but she was also the person who did not want new pets. So when she arrived home with a little black speck, 20 years of dreaming was at an end.

And I was not disappointed. I named my kitten, Spinx and she had so much personality. Firstly, she was not so taken with me. She was quite unsure of everything but also determined to take control of her new world. She refused to cuddle next to me when I first got her and instead would stalk to the edge of the bed to sleep. She didn't purr in my arms either: she squirmed. But I loved her. I loved that she didn't love me automatically. I loved that she although she was scared, she was also courageous. I babied her and was very over protective (which means she is very much a baby when it comes to anything now) and she grew to love me too.

She loved days when I would stay and bed to work/read/sleep and she would snuggle under the blankets. She would be waiting at the door when I arrived home after visiting my boyfriend. And having moved out of home now, we are even closer. We watch TV together and I definitely sound like a crazy cat lady when I come home and start talking to her. There is something so welcoming about her purr and so even though my boy is away during the week, I am never lonely.

"One must love a cat on its own terms."- Paul Gray

Do you remember Pollyana?

When I was little I remember watching the movie, "Pollyanna" which starred Hayley Mills (my mom always hired quite old movies to watch which is probably why my first crush - after Prince Eric- was Gene Kelly). I really loved her 'Glad game'. I am not always very positive but I do try and whenever I have been down, I try and think of something to be glad about.

So after my very mopey post on Saturday (apologies), here are some things I am glad about:

1.) Lists - I love lists (I really am such a nerd)
2.) It is the last monday of the month which means my boy has a long weekend. Which means when I get home today he will be there :)
3.) Friends - I saw two of my good friends on Sat and it was good just to have some girly time
4.) My electric blanket
5.) Watching 3 Supernatural episodes in a row. I love Dean!
6.) Robert Jordan books (They are my boy's books but it is so good to be reading again.)
7.) I have a pair of hiking socks on so my feet are not as cold as usual.
8.) There is a heater in my office
9.) My boy remembers the 1st song we danced to and it played on VH1 this weekend. I love how it is important to him too.
10.) I feel better! This is actually quite a big statement for me but its true: I made it! I went to visit a friend of mine on Friday - she is hospital because of depression and when I was walking back to the car it hit me. I had this whole "Rocky" moment and I wanted to dance. Thing is I had a breakdown in 2009 and although I could still function, I really didn't know if I would ever feel better, if I would ever be able to drive without drinking a litre of water (anxiety) or read a book again. I didn't know if the 'Pollyana' me would ever emerge again. I felt so guilty for inflicting myself on my boy (who has been there for me the whole time). I didn't know if I would stop having 'epiglottal spasms' - where I couldn't swallow and it felt that I couldn't breathe. More than anything, I didn't know if I would ever feel happy again. And I did it. I finished the MSc. (I know I mention that a lot but it is a HUGE personal achievement for me), I am reading again, I can swallow, I can be positive. And I am glad!

Working on a Saturday

So I really don't have a fast-paced job...far from it really. It can be busy but its definitely not mentally stimulating. The usual story, I suppose. I didn't finish the masters in 2 years so I had to get a job to pay for the 3rd year and then because I had a job it took a twice as long to finish.

The thing is now I am finished and this job is becoming harder and harder to handle. I am annoyed by it and guilty that I am annoyed by it (because the fact is I have a job so I shouldn't moan). I have a lovely boss but I feel very lonely: I don't have a bond with my co-workers. They're not bad people but we are on a different page about nearly everything. Different backgrounds and different ideas. I am bored and somehow also very unproductive (you should see my desk!) and I have to somehow click into gear because I don't know how long it will take to find an environmental job without the proper experience.

Anyway, its Saturday and I am stuck at work. This means that I sit around doing absolutely nothing while part-time students study. Part-time students all come to work on the same floor which means I don't have access to my messy desk so I can't try an be productive. I can't stay on the internet for long because its unprofessional and my colleagues don't need any excuse to think the worse of me anyway. Things are actually going very smoothly which means I don't have to help anyone and so I can just see this last hour is going to take so long.

Ah well...at least it is home time in an hour. Then its back to the boy and I can try and enjoy my weekend with him before he hurtles back to Harrismith for his job (he works there during the week which sucks because although we 'live' together, we don't actually stay in the same province.) Maybe there is no such thing as the perfect job. I just really want to have a career and I will be so disappointed with myself if this is it.

Hope everyone is having an awesome weekend! Tell me all about it on Monday :)

Absolutely love this

From skinny bitches

And I was thinking of my boy and it made me happy because although he doesn't love musicals, he will watch them with me and he does let the bath water out and he doesn't cheat and treats me like a disney princess. He also listens to me and makes my life easier in a 100 million ways. He is the person I want to call when I get good news or bad news because either way, he will make it better and if that is not a fairytale then I don't know what is.

I apologise for the mushiness of this post but well, sometimes its necessary to shout it from the rooftops (or at least blog it to the cyberworld).

I think I am a bad adult

Seriously, I do. Is there any school that teaches you to budget properly or tells you whether your electricity meter reading is too high or how to cut down your bank charges. I hate money. I really do. I want to stop trying to fix people by buying them lovely gifts that I can't really afford. I want to know what to say to make someone feel better. I want someone to make me feel better. I wish I had bought a cheaper car or that petrol prices would go down or that I would get a higher paying job, close to where I live, in a field that I want to work in. And all I know is that I am 'adult' enough to know that wishes don't really come true.

My friend and I

I was reading this and it got me thinking about people and friendships.

I think most people (well, girls at least) will have probably had to deal with hurtful and selfish people mascarading as friends. It is a very painful betrayal when the people we trust hurt us. It is even worse when there is no one brave enough to come to your defense.

I think just under the skin, we are still apes, grooming the most dominant, taking advantage of the less dominant...pretending to be better. In my case, I tried to move out of 'my place'. Instead of listening to my friends all the time, I also told them about my problems. I tried to face my fear and for the first time I even admitted my depression to them. But my 'friends' did not like this change. My 'job' was to listen and to provide advice. For 10 years I had listened and I honestly thought that I had actually done a diservice to my friends. I had never fully trusted them and I wanted to change that. But change is scary and some people don't want to change. In the end I was booted from the book club (yes, really) and told I was selfish and rude and uncaring.

Those words have only now started to lose their sting. And social networking systems really don't help. Of course, my friends were 'too grown up' to 'unfriend me' but instead (I don't think purposely), I was subjected to a hundred fun updates about friends I was now excluded from. After months, I finally hid the profiles so that their happy social life didn't continue to make me feel like a lonely loser. I still check on them from time to time. I was friends with them from when I was 13. Its a hard habit to break. But one thing I have to say is that I am glad I faced my fears. Yes, I opened up and got hurt but I also finally learnt who I could trust.

Spending your life acting as you think you should is not the right way. Whatever my DNA may say, I do not have to rely of the goodwill of the group for food and safety anymore. I can be my own person. And yes, there will always be people trying to dominate. Those who are scared of anyone who may take away their 'position'. But I know that I am worth more. I know that my friend who has also been affected by silly people is worth more. I know I can trust her. She listened to me mope when my Masters felt like it would never be finished. She understands that I get sad sometimes. She understood when I could not come out for months while I wrote up. And she deserved better. But unfortunately, we don't always get the friends we deserve. Some people take the easy route. So instead of standing up for someone, they sit back and pretend nothing is happening. I really do hope they are luckier than my friend and I- and that they don't find themselves in the same situation.

So, to my friend. Remember in primary school everyone told us we were 'big fish in a small pond?" well that's what the lab is like. Its a small pond filled with big fish. Those fish may stay there to stay big or swim into the ocean but either way, the small pond that they are currently in is slightly smelly and far too noisy. You are, at least brave enough to swim in the ocean! And you are better off...

Because I really do love a good internet quizz

I feel loved when...

The Five Love Languages

My Primary Love Language is Quality Time

My Detailed Results:
Quality Time:	9
Acts of Service:	8
Words of Affirmation:	6
Physical Touch:	6
Receiving Gifts:	1

From Helen

I am in such a good mood today

I love good moods...I love the feeling that the world is good and that only nice and happy things are to come. I hope that all of you have a very wonderful week!

A List Of My Favourites

Thanks to Angel

Problem being that I am really bad at chosing favourites. Ah, well. I'll give it a shot :)

Favourite Song – Wonderwall - Oasis

Favourite Shop – Woolies :)

Favourite chocolate – Dark lindt chocolate

Favourite cookies – Don't really eat cookies- but I love chocolate muffins (from Woolworths)

Favourite food – Fresh bread, prawns, cheese sauce, avocado, chips, tzatsiki, soup...lots and lots

Favourite meal that I make – macaroni cheese!

Favourite flower – I like trees more. I have two indoor trees - I have even named them :)

Favourite colour to wear – I wear a lot of brown and beige but I think I look pretty in pink.

Favourite shoes – my R20 plastic slops from the side of the road, Durban

Favourite drink – Totally addicted to coke. But I also love Amarula and Caramel vodka if we are talking alcoholic ;)

Favourite lens – I love taking photos but I am not a whizz- I just use my digital camera so I have no idea

Favourite place to walk… – Tsitsikamma

Favourite place to take the kids –Hmmm, don't have kids but I would if I did I would love to take them to the park. I loved going to the park. I wonder if its too dangerous now?

Favourite coffee for every day at home – Nescafe

Favourite coffee shop – Kinda ambivalent on this

Favourite pizza place – Roman's pizza (probably because I live right next to one) but basically anything other than Debonairs!

Favourite place to take photos – At family get togethers - it annoys people!

Favourite place for holidays – Tie between Tsitsikamma and the Kruger

Favourite yoghurt – Woolworth's fruit medley

Favourite man – Brian

Favourite iPhone app – ummm...I dont have a new fangled phone ;)

Favourite website – Sadly, probably facebook

So anyway, now you know! Feel free to do this one too if the fancy takes you!

Success!

I got my examiners' reports back. I am the proud owner of a MSc. (and a whole lot of corrections- but who cares???). Yay! One examiner motivated that I get a distinction (of course the other wants me to rewrite a whole chapter so it won't happen). So I am very very relieved. I was not very confident when I handed it in. But apparently, it was better than I thought. :)

Any other bookworms out there?

I am a bookworm. No doubt about it. Despite, the close relationship between bookworminess and nerdiness, I have always been proud of this fact. One very special memory from my childhood involves me walking into the house, running to find my mom with my first book behind my back. I can't remember what it was- probably "Cathy and Mark" or something like it. But I felt that my journey had started. I could read!

Growing up, I was not great at making friends. I was very thoughtful and extremely sensitive and perhaps a bit of an 'old soul' but for whatever reason in around Grade 2 I started to bring my books to school with me. I would sit on a swing and imagine myself riding my own special pony. As I grew older, I devoured books. Whatever was in the house. As quickly as I could finish it. It wasn't a competition to be a fast reader...it was more a need to know "what happened". I would curl up during the holidays and read all day and all night. Immersed in anything from "Jane Eyre" and "Sense and Sensability" to the "Famous Five" and oooh...horse books like "A horse called Wonder".

Reading didn't just increase my vocabulary or sharpen my imagination. Books helped me choose people I wanted to be friends with, boys I was interested in and I suppose gave me my own, albeit, mixed up, sense of values. When life got tough, I had my bookshelf filled with my 'classics'. I could hide away in plain sight-escape to a place where things were more orderly. Up to this day, if I am sad or hurt there are a few books that I will pick up and start reading. I don't really need to read them anymore. I know every word...every character but it calms me. Some books even provide me mantra's that I live by:

"Fear is the original sin. Almost all of the evil in the world has its origin in the fact that some one is afraid of something.It is a cold slimy serpent coiling about you. It is horrible to live with fear; and it is of all things degrading."
— L.M. Montgomery (The Blue Castle)

Moping

This week hasn't been the greatest. I can't really complain: there hasn't been anything 'wrong'. But still, I have not been happy. I blame the interview. The problem with interviews is that you always get excited. And then you have to come back to earth. I don't even feel like writing about it. Sigh.

This kind of made me giggle though...

Ooh! I love it when there is random singing - even in the middle of the saddest episode...

Best advice ever for a job interview (from my sister, Savanah)

Don't sound like a screaming cat

Last night...

I washed the dishes, vacuumed and washed the floor. I feel like a super hero. How do really neat people cope all the time?

So its back to work now

After 11 wonderful carefree days, it back to work for me. I am currently very tired and grouchy and very non productive. The idea that I will likely have to work for the next 35 years is very saddening but in a country with so much unemployment I shouldn't really complain. Although obviously I am.

In an effort to cheer myself up, here is a list of cool things from the holidays.

1.) 11 days with Brian
2.) Sleeping till 9am. Pure bliss.
3.) Learning about Plasma engines from Brian's cousin, Trev
4.) Watching the Royal wedding while exchanging smses about Williams hair with Sarah
5.) Watching reruns of the wedding with my sister
6.) Chocolate
7.) Reading chick lit books
8.) Planting flowers in my garden
9.) Being totally lazy
10.)My new electric blanket

Awww! Sweet :)

p.s. I cant resist...I spent many of my formative years planning on being the princess ;)