Let's Talk About The Good Times Only

A lot of things are happening at the moment and I am pretty overwhelmed by it all. I am trying to focus on me at the moment. I am trying to learn to be happy even when there are crappy times. I think I am doing an okay job.

Here are some of the happy happy times from this holiday, so far. We went to a beautiful wedding in the Natal Midlands and my friend Sarah is visiting from Japan. At the same time that my friend Laura is visiting from the UK. Yay! And I had Brian's family over for Christmas Eve. And I cooked Gammon. And no one got sick.

Brian and I at his friend, Greg's wedding.

How cute is this chapel? I love it!

Brian's friends are nutters!

Mmmmn...so hot :)

The girlfriends of the nutters (actually, girlfriend (me), fiance (Jax) and wife (Gen))

Me and hillock, the nuttiest nutter of them all.

Brian and Sarah underneath my "Japanese Couples umbrella' christmas present (from sarah)

Sarah and Me

Me and Sarah, Laura and Helen (how pretty do they all look?)

My pretty patio all ready for Christmas Eve

These lights were supposed to be only for christmas but I love them so I am not taking them down and no one can make me ;)

Black Tuesday

More than anything I am disappointed. This country has so much promise, yet we will throw it all away. Not a good day.

I need to have this tattooed to my forehead so I don't forget

I don't think I have ever read something more applicable to me. Half my problems come from not knowing me or feeling guilty for wanting anything for myself.

Things I know right now

1.) Ummm....Not much
2.) Happiness is a choice - washing the dishes can make you happy if you have had a really crappy week.
3.) Moving the old couch outside to use as patio furniture was a brilliant idea.
4.) Drinking a 1/2 glass of wine (its a big glass) and relaxing for the 1st time this week does not make me an alchoholic.
5.) I love this song

Nobody said it would be easy

I have 'The Scientist' by Coldplay in my head.

"Nobody said it would be easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start"

I don't even know where to start. But I think I need to get some of it out. Which feels quite selfish. I haven't been blogging often and then things go pear shaped and I need to tell the cyber world.

Its my parents...things haven't been great between them for awhile. What is that stat? One in two marriages end in divorce??? Something like that. My parents aren't even getting a divorce. My father has just forgotten all the stuff he taught us about life and respect. He has effectively broken my heart. I can't lie. I have always been somewhat of a daddy's girl. We all are to a certain extent. And my mom is just so emotional and needy. I have always had to look after her so that bond with my dad was a nice relief.

But then I grew up, I moved out and I didn't have long chats about everything with him any more. I was disappointed with the way he handled my depression and I just didn't have the emotional energy for my family's crap all the time. So I withdrew. I am still withdrawn from everyone but Savanah. I am not proud of this. I think its just a defense. My role in my family was always the practical 'fixer'. I fix things. But as you get older the problems that you cant fix just increase and increase. They become so overwhelming. And I don't know how to turn of the automatic 'must-fix' tendancy so I just tried to leave the problems alone.

And now they have just come crashing down. The worst part of it is that all my life I have tried to stay neutral. Never pick sides. Love my parents equally and now they have forced me to choose. My dad's actions and my mom's weakness and forced the decision. A decision I have feared all my life. A decision that leaves me taking a million phone calls from my mom and none from my dad.

I can't even tell them how much I am hurting because right now, its about them. It feels that it has always been about them. My mom, the victim, weak and depressed and completetly dependent and my dad, stubborn and hard "my way or the high way", domineering.

Maybe, this is awful to say, but I don't always expect the best from my mom. She is childish and selfish and so dependent and I have tried to help her. To organise doctors and therapy but she wants me to do it all and I can't. I want her to take some responsibility and take action. And she doesn't.

I don't always expect the best from my dad, either. He can be controlling and has a bad temper. But I feel he taught me about doing the right thing, even when that is hard. About being strong. And now I feel he is going against everything he taught me. Like it was all a lie.

I want them to be happy and I can see that they are not happy. But, the way they have both acted. It takes away my belief in them. And that just makes me feel small and alone. They don't even know it. I have this overwhelming need to be strong so I can't or won't even tell them. Besides, it would make no difference. I keep having nightmares of christmas day and my wedding and other family occassions. I just don't know how things will be from now on.

And over and over I keep thinking, how could he do this? I expected more from him. From her, it was surprising but less of a shock. But from him? You never stop being a child when it comes to your parents. Its just so sad that my parents have never really thought of me as the child.

I want to believe that Brian and I will be different. But why would we be? My parents didn't imagine this life for themselves when they said "I do". Why would I be different. This is why I should never have children. No marriage really survives children. Maybe they would have been okay if I didn't come so quickly. guilt for being born. Awesome.

I have just lost all faith. My dad took that away from me. He broke my heart. And my mom, she just want me to turn into some robot/miracle worker. Who I am and what I feel doesn't matter. They don't even know me anymore. I hate them for it. But of course, I don't hate them. That would be easier.

'No one ever said it would be this hard"

This week...

HAS BEEN HECTIC!

Seriously! Too tired to even write paragraphs:


1.) Driving to Rustenburg for a meeting is tiring. Its a long drive.
2.) Exercise endorphins are real. After outdoor bootcamp with Helen I was on such a high.
3.) I am so unfit.
4.) I can hardly walk now because of outdoor bootcamp. I blame Helen.
5.) Working till 8pm and then bumping my 6 month old car into a concrete pillar in the parking lot. There were lots of tears. Epic Fail.
6.) Meeting with scary project manager of doom on friday morning went well. Having no lunch and having to borrow money for takeout from boss not so great.
7.) I am going to become a Visual Impact Assessment specialist. Apparently. Hmmmm...well, thats my company's plan.
8.) Savanah has a boyfriend that is 3 years older than her. Its all official on facebook now. It worries me. I don't trust 17 year old boys. But I trust Savanah.
9.) Brian bought a new tv stand and coffee table last weekend. It will be delivered next week. Its so pretty. I am very ready to get rid of my hand me down tv stand and coffee table.
10.) COLDPLAY tonight. So excited. The biggest concert I have ever seen was Meatloaf when I was 10.

I planned a long post but then read blogs instead...

So you will all have to hear my random ramblings another time. Wow! I am tired.

p.s. Tomorrow is Wednesday - the half way mark and soon it will be Friday and the weekend. Yay.


p.s.2. Does anyone have a dog I can borrow on Sundays so I can take him/her for a walk? Brian and I go for a walk at this gorgeous park and I get so jealous of all the people with their beautiful dogs.

p.s.3. How CUTE is this???

Ryan's awesome 21st!

I just have to add some pictures from last night. I had such a fun time. And I'm so proud of my little brother. It was also great to see Russel (my other brother) who flew in from Cape Town.

The theme was "Come as you were" - which caused some confusion but basically means come as someone you could have been in a past life. My brother is odd sometimes ;) Everybody dressed up and looked so gorgeous and fun. Really an awesome night. His girlfriend did so much to organise it. I am so happy that he has someone like that in his life.

Brian - he made me laugh the whole night. Wow. Awesomeness.

Ryan - An Officer and a Gentleman!

Me and my spanish dancer/assassin (she stole Brian's sheriff's gun and pretended to be an assassin all night)

Me and Rus - he looked like Darcy in Pride and Prejudice. :)

Some of Ryan's friends

I love both of these costumes!

Me and Brian - love him so much!

Ryan and his princess Julie.

Me and my brood! :)

Ryan- Almost 21 years of awesomeness

My brother's 21st birthday party is tomorrow and I am saying a speech. Eek. I have so many things I want to say but my mind is all tired and befuddled. I was looking at pictures of him and he was just so darn cute.

He was quite sick as a baby - he was in hospital nearly every month with pneumonia. Sometimes he would be admitted for 3-4 weeks at a time. His doctor just kept saying it was asthma and the tests for cystic fibrosis kept coming back negative (thank goodness) but they kept testing because it was the most logical answer.

Eventually, the doctor admitted that he didn't know (after 5 years) and referred him to a paediatric pulmonologist, Dr. Richards. He is absolutely awesome. He finally diagnosed Ryan with an immune defficiency which lead to him getting sick so often that a part of his lung was destroyed. At one point they were even contemplating surgery but then with the help of medicine for the immune problem, Ryan got better and better.

He is now healthier than I am and 100times more active

One good thing from being so ill is that Ryan learnt to fight...sometimes, it drives me mad but he will fight for something or someone he believes in and he is no quitter. And he loves. He and his girlfriend, Julie have been together for nearly 3 years and he treats her like a princess. He also looks out for our little sister (and spends half his time bugging her too!)

Ryan, recently got a scooter which scares the life out of me. I don't like it but he loves being able to get places. A lot of his friends have given him some trouble about having a 'girly' scooter but he just laughed. He has even named it Fernando (because he says its italian).

He has really grown up into such a great man. I can't believe it actually. I remember reading on the couch with him snuggled next to me all afternoon. I used to bath him (yes, at six!) and I was the one who carried him inside when he broke his arm at 2 (a motorbike accident on one of those little plastic bikes). I am just so proud of him...

And he is so good looking (I am his sister so I can brag) :)

Love this!

Saw this here and really love it!

Its so pretty and true.